


The B Side

by kulina



Category: Kingdom (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 14:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 36,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6242407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kulina/pseuds/kulina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snapshots from the Kulinas' childhood. These short drabbles will explain some things I've touched on in the story (ex. visits with CPS, "growing up in the gym," etc) but that don't fit in the current work. There one or two minor inconsistencies with canon, but we're just gonna ignore that ;) I'm doing my best to keep the pieces in chronological order, but since I write/post them out of order, sometimes I allow a week or so for people to read the newest chapter before I reorganize them. </p><p>Also - I don't currently follow a posting schedule for this fic; new chapters are posted as they're written. If you have a suggestion for a chapter or an idea you'd like to see done, shoot me a message at jxnas.tumblr.com :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Halloween 1998

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jay is 12, Nate is 5, and Zoey is 1

“NATE!” Jay yelled up the stairs. “Nate! Are you ready, man? We got to go, it's been dark for like fifteen minutes!” 

“Almost!” the younger boy called back from his room. 

“Come on! All the good candy’s gonna be gone!” 

Nate bounded down the stairs and, in a very uncharacteristically loud voice that was a combination of a yell and a growl, cried, “I’ll eat you up!”

Jay laughed. “You look great, big guy.” He squeezed Nate’s cheek in favor of rubbing his head; he didn’t want to mess up Nate’s perfectly placed crown. 

At five years old, Nate had decided to go as Max from Where the Wild Things Are. The costume consisted of white onesie pajamas with a hood and an extra crown that Jay snagged from Burger King. Nate loved his costume just as much as the wild things loved Max. 

Zoey had turned one at the beginning of August. In the middle of October, Dad had come across a baby-sized Princess Leia costume at the mall, and that had been that. It was hard to say which of her older brothers loved it more. 

“She’s so cute!” Nate kept saying all week, laughing at her hat. Two large, brown buns sat on either side of her head, and both the brothers nearly cried from laughter at Zoey’s excited smile the first time they tried it on her. She was oblivious, only laughing at their happy faces.

Now, though, she was getting a little crabby – she’d been on Jay’s hip for a good four minutes, and she was ready for a change of scenery. But with Nate’s appearance, her entire face lit up. She reached for her brother, who smiled up at her.

“Hi, Little Zebra! You ready to go trick-or-treating again?”

“It’s her first time,” Jay reminded. “She was too little last year.”

“Oh yeah. And she was a zebra cause her name is Little Zebra!”

Jay chuckled again. “That’s right, buddy. You got your pillowcase?”

Nate nodded, holding it up. 

“Good. Me, too. And I got one for Little Zee just in case she wants some candy, too.” He called up the stairs, “Dad, we’re leaving!”

“Alright,” Alvey replied. 

“Did you want to take a picture of Nate and Zoey?” Jay intoned.

“Oh, yeah,” Alvey said, coming down the stairs. “Nate, let’s see,” Alvey prompted, laughing when Nate put up his hands like claws. “Very nice, very nice,” he chuckled. 

Jay smiled a little himself. It was always good to see Alvey interact positively with Nate. 

"And Jay, you're all dressed up. You're..."

"Mulder! From The X-Files."

“Ah. Okay, you three get together,” Alvey directed. Jay draped an arm around Nate’s shoulders, and Nate put an arm around Jay’s stomach in a hug. Alvey snapped and talked in a high voice to get Zoey to look at him, and Jay bounced her lightly to get her to laugh. 

Once the picture was taken, Nate hurried to the front door and flung it open. Jay followed behind him, reminding Alvey over his shoulder that he needed to actually answer when kids rang the doorbell. 

“I will, I will,” Alvey said, waving him off. “Go get your fucking brother, yeah?”

“Alright.”

“Hey, you wanna go to David and Max’s house first?” Jay asked Nate as he caught up to him in the driveway. 

“Sure!”

“Okay. Stay where I can see you, alright?”

“Yep.” Nate slowed down a little and stayed by Jay’s side.

“Little Zee, how ya doing, girl?” Jay asked, squeezing her tiny nose. 

She squealed and batted at his hand. "Dog!" she declared, even though there was no dog in sight.

“Dog, yeah. What else do you think?” 

She made a sound between a yell and a cough, and he laughed. 

“Alright, great, great. I'm glad. I’ll check in again in a few minutes.” He kissed her cheek and turned his attention back to Nate. “Go ring the doorbell, alright? Maybe David and Max are still here.” 

“Okay!”

Nate ran ahead, straight up the door, and knocked gently. “Trick or treat!” he said shyly when David and Max’s mom opened the door.

“Ahhh, Natán!” she smiled. “David! Maxi! Ven abajo! Natán esta aquí!” _Come downstairs! Nate is here!_ She held her arms out for a hug. 

“Hola,” Nate replied quietly, accepting the hug. It was nice to pretend sometimes that she was his mom. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't doing that right then.

By then Jay had caught up with his little brother. “Hola, Mrs. Fernandez!”

“Caramba, Arrendajo! Que está recibiendo tan grande!” _You’re getting so big!_  

He laughed. “Si, si.”

“Y Pequeno Zeta! Caramba, caramba! Ella está recibiendo tan grande también!” _She’s getting so big, too!_  

“I know,” Jay replied slowly, shaking his head. He looked to his little sister. “Can you say hi?” he asked. “Hola! Hi!” 

The lady looked at her hopefully, but Zoey just smiled. Jay lifted her wrist so she would wave. She grinned happily and flung her hand from side to side. Mrs. Fernandez laughed.  

“Dios mio!” David shouted, bounding out from behind his mother. “Nate, your sister is Princess Leia from Star Wars!” 

Nate smiled shyly. “I know.” 

“She’s so cute!” Max announced, yanking at her foot. 

“Ay, gentle,” Jay snapped, lifting Zoey out of reach. 

Mrs. Fernandez gave Nate some candy and then motioned Jay forward to put some in his pillowcase, too. 

“Gracias,” Nate said. 

“Jay, Jay,” Max whispered urgently, tugging on Jay’s t-shirt. “Can we trick-or-treat with you and Nate?”

“Please?” David asked.

Nate looked up at his big brother with wide, hopeful eyes. 

Jay pointed at both of them. “Only if you two promise to behave.” 

“We will!” they chorused. 

“No running ahead,” Jay said, “and you gotta use your manners. At _every_ house.”

“We will!” they said again.

Jay looked at Mrs. Fernandez. “It’s cool with me if it’s cool with you.”

“Sí. Gracias, Arrendajo.”

“No problem.” He turned away. “Alright, boys! This way or that way?” he asked, pointing each way down the street. 

“This way!” David cried, and they were off.

Jay let them speed ahead, but Nate was obedient, staying pretty close to his brother instead of running away with his friends.

David and Max waited at the end of the first driveway for Jay and Nate to catch up. They all walked to the door together. David knocked, and they all chorused, “Trick or treat!” 

At the end of the night, Jay returned David and Max to Mrs. Fernandez and warned her, “They’ve already eaten like eight pieces of candy each. I wouldn’t let them have too much more.”

She shook her head, laughing. “Gracias. Que están locos.” _They're crazy._  She kissed Jay on the cheek and Nate atop the head. Then she gave Zoey’s arm a light squeeze. “Adiós, bebita.” She smiled at Jay again. “Buenos noches, bebe.”

“Adios,” Jay replied. 

Jay took Nate’s hand, and they walked together back to Dad’s house.

“Did you give out all the candy?” Jay asked as his eyes landed on his father, who was drinking on the couch. He had a movie playing on the television, one Jay quickly recognized as The Shining. “Hey, turn that off. Nate and Little Zee are here.” 

“I don’t mind,” Nate offered quietly.

“No, Nate. It’s for grownups, buddy.” 

“Oh.” 

He reached for Zoey, sensing that there was going to be an argument between Jay and Alvey.

"Nay," Zoey sang tiredly as Jay handed her over along with all the pillowcases of candy.

“Go through your bag and make a pile of stuff you want and stuff you don’t. And _don’t_ eat anything until I look at it, okay?” 

“Kay.”

“Take care of your sister. I’ll be up in a minute.”

The little girl was drooping with tiredness on Nate’s shoulder anyway. It wasn't like she was going to be much trouble. The little guy could handle it. 

Nate carried Zoey up the stairs carefully so that they wouldn’t fall down. He took his time, balancing as well as he could on his own since his hands were full and he couldn’t use the banister for help. 

Jay and Alvey were hissing under their breath in the living room, and he wanted to go upstairs and get away from the confrontation. He hurried up the last few steps and took Zoey into his bedroom, closing the door behind himself and sitting her down on the center of his bed. He toed off his Velcro tennis shoes, climbed up next to her, and set Jay and Zoey’s bags of candy a few feet away.

He sat cross-legged by his pillows and pulled Zoey into his lap. He tugged her Princess Leia hat off, smiling at the sight of her wispy hair. “Now you look like you,” he told her. She just leaned back against him tiredly. 

He sat forward and dumped his pillowcase on the quilt. Candy spilled out all over it. He grinned.

He set the Reese’s Cups in the keep pile along with the Tootsie Rolls, the Smarties, and the Snickers. He moved things like Almond Joy and Whoppers into the reject pile.

Zoey whined in his lap when he was almost done, and he lifted her up to his shoulder.

“It’s okay, baby,” he said, just like he remembered Dad saying to her when she’d cry. He rubbed her back and kissed her cheek. She just snuggled into his shoulder and tucked her thumb into her mouth. 

“Little Zebra, no,” he said, trying to pull it back out, but she had it clamped between her baby teeth so he couldn’t. She whined again. “Okay, okay,” he muttered. 

Thankfully, Jay walked in with a big grin and launched onto the bed. “Hey, man! Did you get some good stuff?” 

Nate nodded happily. He handed Zoey to Jay and finished his sorting while Jay broke into his own stash and started eating a pack of Skittles. The rest of the night was quiet, but Jay was happy that they'd managed to survive a holiday without a huge, blow-out fight or any tears - even from Zoey. 

Jay put his siblings to bed and munched on a few more pieces of candy before falling asleep on top of the covers with his pre-algebra book on his lap. 


	2. Days of Jay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoey has just turned 3, and Jay and Ryan are 15.  
> This takes place a few months after they moved into the apartment and Jay picked up his job at Ralph's (a chain grocery store).

It had been such a long day at Ralph’s. Jay had dealt with several angry customers – corporate had raised some of the prices that week – a new guy that had no idea what the fuck he was doing, and a steady tension headache. 

He had to pick up Zoey from Navy Street (he dropped her off with Alvey instead of taking her to daycare. The guys at the gym would play with her and feed her even if Alvey wouldn’t, and it was free. Jay would never be able to afford a daycare program - he could barely pay his rent) before he went home, checked Nate’s homework, made dinner, gave baths, and put his siblings to bed. He was exhausted already. Tonight was one of those nights where he had to remind himself that he had uprooted himself and his siblings to protect them. This wasn’t a choice, this was a necessary change. 

Jay sighed as he walked through the parking lot and up to the gym door. He took a moment to himself to shut his eyes and breathe before he had to go inside and get his baby sister. The silence was like heaven to his ears, but duty called. Jay took a deep breath and headed in.

He walked into Navy Street and saw Wheeler with Zoey on his hip. She was shrieking with laughter, a huge grin on her face. Jay couldn’t help but smile as he watched his best friend tickle his little girl. He gave them a moment more to play, and then he loudly asked, “Has anybody seen a monkey around here? I think I lost one.” 

“Jay!” Zoey squealed and wriggled down out of Ryan’s grasp.

“She’s _super_ hairy, and she goes, _ooh-ooh-ooh_!” Jay teased. 

“Me, me!” Zoey called, flying across the gym towards him. 

“There she is!” Jay grinned. He crouched down and flung his arms open.

“Jaaaaaayyy!” Zoey screamed. She laughed wildly as he scooped her up off the ground and flipped her upside down. Her tank top slid down to reveal her belly button. Jay couldn’t help but poke it. 

“Hey,” Alvey called, his face neutral as he walked up to his son. 

“Hey.”

“Daddy!” Zoey announced, but she didn’t make a move to leave Jay.

“Don’t drop her, ay?” Alvey instructed, so Jay flipped her right side up and lifted Zoey onto his shoulders. She immediately grabbed two fistfuls of his hair and pulled.

“Ow! Careful, Little Zee,” Jay laughed.

“Careful!” Zoey parroted. 

“Hey, man,” Ryan greeted. He fist-bumped Jay and then reached up to gently squeeze Zoey's nose. 

“Hey. Thanks for watching her. She loves you so much.” 

“No problem.” 

Alvey glanced away and rubbed at his chin. “How’s Nate?” Alvey inquired.

“Nate’s fine. I’m fine too, thanks for asking.” 

Alvey sighed. 

Jay rolled his eyes. 

“Jay, can we have mac’roni?” Zoey asked, pulling on his hair.

“Maybe,” Jay replied, “but only if you stop with my hair, okay?”

“Okay,” Zoey whined. 

Jay wiggled her feet, and she giggled. “Alright, we gotta get out of here. Nate’s bus got back an hour ago, and I gotta start dinner.” 

“Mac’roni,” Zoey insisted. 

“I gotta see what we have in the pantry,” Jay told her.

Ryan laughed. “She’s so cute,” he said.

“I know, right? I’m gonna have to get a baseball bat for the boys pretty soon.” 

“Bye, Little Zee!” Ryan said. 

Zoey reached for him, and Jay laughed. “She’s really into giving kisses right now. You want one?”

“Hell yeah!” Wheeler exclaimed, and then he checked himself. “I mean – yes please!”

Alvey shook his head.

“It’s fine. I do it all the time. ‘Fuck’ was her third word,” Jay explained.

Ryan chuckled incredulously as Jay lifted Zoey down off his shoulders to kiss his cheek. “Wuv you, Ry’n,” she declared. Wheeler beamed.

“I love you, too, sweetie.”

Jay hoisted his sister back onto his shoulders. “Alright, monkey. Let’s go see Brother.” 

“Nate!”

“Yeah, Nate,” Jay confirmed. “I think that was his name. Is that his name?”

Zoey pulled on Jay’s hair again, trying to steer him toward the parking lot.

“Zee, stop it or we’re not having macaroni,” Jay said, his tone serious.

She didn’t say anything, but she let go.

“Alright. Bye,” Jay waved. 

“Ay, take care of my kids,” Alvey ordered.

Jay scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Aye-aye, captain.”


	3. September 11, 2001

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an American, I really debated posting this because I know I can never do it justice, but here it is. Feel free to skip this one.  
> Jay is 14, Nate is 8, and Zoey is 4.

Jay had barely been in freshman biology for twenty minutes when Mr. Denner’s phone started to ring. He set down his chalk and went over to answer it, but stayed still for a moment. Jay didn’t know, but the principal had simultaneously called every phone in the school.

While Mr. Denner still had the receiver pressed to his ear, he anxiously turned on the TV. The students cheered, but Jay was closely watching his teacher’s face. Something was wrong.

The grainy picture flickered to life. Jay grew more concerned when instead of putting on a science video, Mr. Denner turned on the news. The happy atmosphere soon diminished. The students hushed with no prompting as CNN showed coverage of a plane flying low, too low, and crashing straight into a skyscraper. 

One of the girls whipped around in her chair. “Is that the World Trade Center?” she asked frantically. 

Mr. Denner nodded, his ear still pressed to the phone. 

“Oh my god,” she whispered. “Which one was that? Which building was that?” 

“The North Tower,” her friend said, reading the ticker.

The girl nodded quickly. “Okay. Okay.” 

“Why?” Jay asked.

The girl turned to him and said softly, “My dad works in the other one.” 

There were only the sounds of hushed whispers for several minutes as Mr. Denner stood still, watching the TV. Jay turned back to look at him, and there were tears streaming down the man’s face. Jay’s stomach turned. 

He turned back to the TV just in time to see something falling next to the tower. His hand flew up to cover his mouth. “Oh my fucking god,” he breathed. 

“What was that?” asked the boy next to him. “You saw that too?” 

“They’re jumping,” the guy on the other side of Jay murmured. “Oh, god, they’re jumping.”

The coverage went to a phone call from a witness and several tight shots of the smoke billowing from the North Tower. 

And then, just as Mr. Denner hung up the phone, the girl from before stood up. “No!” she cried. “No, no, no, what was that?!” 

A second plane had flown low right next to the buildings, but because of the camera angle, its path hadn’t been clear. For three entire seconds, everyone held their breath. And then the other building was bursting into flames. The man on the TV was shouting, completely panicked. “People are running,” he reported. “The building just exploded! The whole building just exploded! People are running up the street!”

The girl sank down into her chair, sobbing. Her friend wrapped her tightly in a hug, but she pushed the girl off. “I need to call my mom,” the girl begged. Mr. Denner moved out of the way to let her use the phone. 

“Both Twin Towers are on fire now,” the anchor was saying. “This was not the case a moment ago.”

After a moment of panicked crying on the phone in front of the entire class, the girl seemed to calm a little. She turned back to everyone and said, “My mom said the school called and they’re sending our parents to come get us.” She paused, listening. “The buses are coming, too.” 

At that moment, Jay pictured Nate scared and confused in his third grade classroom and knew that he had to get to him right then. Jay stood up, shouldered his backpack, and rushed to the door.

“Jay, come sit down,” Mr. Denner called, but Jay ignored him, flinging the door open and running down the hall.

It took Jay nearly ten minutes to jog to the elementary school, but he was glad he did. “I’m here for my brother,” he told the lady at the front desk, and he went straight back to Nate’s classroom. He stopped breathlessly in the doorway. 

“Nate,” he called, motioning the boy to him. 

Nate got up quickly, leaving all his things behind, and walked hurriedly to his brother. The teacher gave Jay a little wave, and he nodded back. Jay wrapped his arm tightly around Nate, and the two brothers headed out of the school. 

“Are you okay?” Jay asked him.

Nate nodded . “Are you?” 

“No,” Jay confessed. “But we’re gonna go home, okay? It’s gonna be alright. We’ll be fine.”

“Mrs. James was crying,” Nate told Jay. “She said a lot of people went to heaven.” 

Jay nodded and crouched down in front of him. He put his hands on Nate’s elbows. “Mrs. James is right,” Jay said quietly. “A lot of people went to heaven today. And a lot of people are going to be really sad. But me and you, we’re always gonna be together, okay?” 

Nate looked at him nervously. “You promise?” 

Jay nodded. “I promise, buddy.”

Nate took his hand, something he hadn’t willingly done in a while, and they headed out the school doors and down the sidewalk. 

“Is a plane gonna come hit Daddy’s gym?” Nate asked.

“No,” Jay said firmly. “They’re not in California. They’re in New York, all the way across the country. But it’s still _our_ country.”

“So it’s like they’re our family.” 

Jay squeezed Nate’s hand. “That’s right.” 

“But Daddy’s okay? And Little Zebra?” 

“I’m sure they’re fine. It's teacher conferences at the preschool today, so they’re probably hanging out watching Elmo.” 

When Jay and Nate got to the house, Alvey was in the driveway with Zoey on his hip. 

“Hey, oh my fucking god,” he breathed, rushing forward to his sons. “I was about to leave to get you. Are you guys okay?”

“We’re good,” Jay replied.

Alvey leaned down to kiss the top of Nate’s head. Meanwhile, Jay took Zoey from Dad’s arms. "Hey, baby," he whispered. He kissed her cheek and handed her to Nate. Then he dropped his backpack on the ground and threw his arms around his father. 

Alvey hugged him fiercely. 

Jay took a shaky breath, and he couldn’t help himself – he started sobbing into his dad’s shoulder. 

“Nate, take your sister inside,” Alvey instructed. He rubbed Jay’s back. 

Once the door shut behind Nate, Jay pulled back. “This girl in my class? Her dad works in the East Tower.”

“Oh, shit,” Alvey breathed.

“We saw the second plane hit it, and she fucking screamed.” He sniffed loudly. “Do you think they’ll come to California?”

“No,” Alvey told him confidently. “They went after the big cities.”

"New York," Jay said.

"And DC. They hit the Pentagon, too."

Jay's eyes widened. “What about Chicago? Or Atlanta? Dad, we live in fucking LA. I don't want them to come here." 

Alvey shook his head and wrapped his son back in his arms. “I don’t know who did this or what they want, but they’re not coming here. I’ll personally kill every single one of them, okay?”

Jay didn’t know why, but somehow that made him feel better. He nodded and buried his face back in his dad’s shoulder. 

Alvey kissed his hair. “It’s okay,” he whispered, the words coming automatically out of his mouth, "it's okay." Usually the only crying he dealt with was due to Zoey falling down on the driveway or getting pissy about her nap. Not this. Not Jay. Not people dying, and certainly not a fucking terrorist attack. Yesterday, he never could have imagined this. 

“I love you,” Alvey murmured. 

Jay nodded. “I love you, too.”


	4. The Christmas Pageant 2001

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry again for the weird style. this was originally a tumblr drabble.  
> zoey is 4 (pre-k), nate is 8 (3rd grade), and jay is 14, almost 15.

nate and zoey are in the children’s christmas pageant at dad’s church. everyone in the sunday school is invited to participate, whether they attend often or not. jay is in middle school now, which means that he’s aged out, so he hangs out backstage and makes sure his brother and sister are both dressed and ready and that they don’t have to go to the bathroom. god knows alvey couldn’t do this shit. he’s sitting in the audience somewhere with a couple other fighters and their families. when alvey found out that nate had a speaking part, he invited everyone he knew. 

jay’s heard nate practicing his two lines in front of the bathroom mirror over and over in his little, serious voice. he’s a shepherd this year, and he loves his cane. he doesn’t love the fact that he has to hold a stuffed sheep, though. he asks if zoey can hold it for him, but jay tells him that the angels didn’t hold sheep. they just told the shepherds about jesus and where to go see him.

 _oh_ , nate replies, but zoey holds the sheep backstage anyway until it’s time for her to go out with the other little girls in angel costumes. she’s got a plastic halo with silver tinsel wrapped around the top, and she goes out and they sing angels we have heard on high. zoey sings very loudly (and badly), and then she scratches her bottom just as she’s walking offstage. of course, everyone sees. the whole congregation chuckles, but zoey doesn’t seem to notice.

 _good job, little zee,_ jay tells her, trying not to laugh. 

she beams.

right after, it’s nate’s turn. the fifth grade boy playing the angel gabriel tells nate’s group of shepherds that a child is born who will be a wonderful counselor, the everlasting god, blah blah blah, and then nate steps up to the microphone.

alvey grins at him from the audience, and jay holds his breath in the wings. nate looks very solemnly into the crowd. _let’s go to bethlehem and see this baby the lord has told us about,_ he murmurs. a moment after his line, he glances subtly into the wings, where jay gives him a huge thumbs up and zoey waves her arms around in a silent, excited cheer. nate smiles a little and moves with the rest of the shepherds toward where the fifth grade joseph and mary are with the doll in the manger. they sit down criss-cross applesauce next to it and nate waits patiently until it’s time for his next line.

zoey flounces back out to the stage with the other angels, her wavy hair cascading down her shoulders. jay thinks to himself that she needs a haircut. all the kids sing silent night, and then nate is handed the microphone. he says softly, _glory to god in the highest,_  and passes it to the next shepherd, who says, _and peace on earth to his men._  and then the play is over. 

there’s loud applause, followed an announcement from the children’s ministry director that parents are to come get their children from the stage. nate adjusts his headdress and accidentally knocks the cord off, so he awkwardly stands with one hand on his staff and the other holding tightly to the old piece of cloth on his head. he quietly waits for someone to come collect him.

meanwhile, zoey runs up to the wrong shepherd and grabs his hand. when he looks down and it’s not nate, zoey’s eyes grow wide and she darts away, wondering how she’s ever going to find her brother when everyone’s dressed the same. but then jay’s scooping her up from behind and kissing her cheek and telling her she was a very cute angel and that everyone loved her. she hugs him tight around the neck and tells him about the boy that wasn’t nate and how she held his hand by accident. he laughs, big and warm, and they go off to find nate and alvey.


	5. Adventures in Babysitting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoey is 3, Nate is 8, and Jay and Ryan are 15

“Anybody home?” Ryan called as he came through the door to Jay’s apartment.

“Ry!” Zoey cried, running up to him. 

“Hey, you,” he grinned. He leaned down and scooped her up, and she immediately wrapped her tiny arms around his neck. 

Nate must have heard the commotion, because he too was peeking into the entry and then coming up to give Ryan a hug. 

“Hey,” Jay greeted, following Nate around the corner. “Thanks again for doing this.” 

“Ay, no problem man, I told you,” Ryan said, letting go of Nate to bump Jay’s shoulder with his fist.

Jay nodded. “And you really don’t want me to pay you?” 

“To hang out with these goons? Nah, man,” Ryan confirmed. “They’re my buddies.” 

Nate grinned proudly. 

“Okay, thank you so much,” Jay told him. “Uh, snacks are in the pantry if they get hungry. They can have one popsicle each for dessert if they want. They’ll both push you for more. Just one. And they like to pick out their own color. And… oh, there’s leftover spaghetti for dinner. It’s right here,” Jay said, opening the refrigerator to point at the Tupperware.

“I got it, man, it’s fine,” Ryan assured.

“Okay. Sorry, it’s just. This is my first time leaving them with someone other than Alvey.”

“Hey,” Ryan said. “I can handle one night. It’ll be fun, right guys?” 

“Yeah!” Zoey smiled. Then a confused look fell across her face. She looked back at Nate and wriggled in Ryan’s arms, signaling to him that he wanted to get down. Then she walked up to Jay, tugged on his shirt, and stage-whispered, “I hafta tell you a secret!”

Jay crouched down next to her and let her whisper into his ear. Her breath was hot on his throat. Ryan watched as Jay blinked, saddened and surprised, and then wrapped an arm around his little sister. “Of _course_ I’m coming back.” Then he looked up at his little brother. “Nate, come here, babe.”

It was only then that Ryan realized Nate was ducking his head.

Jay sat down on the floor and pulled Zoey onto his hip. Nate knelt on Jay’s other side with unreadable eyes.

“Look at me, both of you,” he said softly. He put one of his hands around the back of Nate’s neck. “I’m never gonna leave you guys, okay? Never. I have to go to work to pay for the apartment, and sometimes that means I have to work at night now, but that doesn't mean I'm not coming back.”

Nate nodded, but it was clear that he didn’t know whether or not to believe his brother. He cast his eyes down.

“Nate,” Jay pleaded, and the younger boy glanced back up at him. “I _promise._ Never gonna leave you. I love you too much.”

Nate nodded solidly and threw his arms around Jay’s neck. Zoey followed Nate’s lead, nuzzling her head into the crook of Jay’s shoulder. Jay hugged his little siblings tightly, trying to hide his emotion. Ryan respectfully looked away.

“You’re coming home tomorrow?” Nate asked quietly.

“I’m coming home the second I get off work,” Jay told him. 

“So you won’t leave us like Mommy?” Zoey asked. 

Jay’s eyes fell shut. He kissed her forehead and then Nate’s. “I’m coming home. I swear to you both.”

“Swear?” Nate repeated.

“I swear.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“You two monkeys are gonna have so much fun with Ryan that you won’t even know I’m gone. I’ll be back before you wake up, mmkay?” He looked up at Ryan but didn’t let go of his siblings. “They can stay up a little late tonight since it’s not a school night… I usually have them do teeth and all that at the same time, but Nate can stay up thirty minutes later if he wants. I usually put them in pajamas at 8 or so, and Zee needs help brushing her teeth. Make sure you get the back ones.”

Ryan nodded. This was gonna be harder than he’d thought.

“They can each pick out a book before bed. Nate likes to read Little Zee’s to her, but you can read him the one he picks. That’s usually how we do it. They may wanna sleep in the same bed; that’s fine. And Little Zee likes a night light, so if they sleep on Nate’s side, just unplug hers and bring it over there. If they’re on her side, you can just turn it on.”

Jay stood up, using his leg muscles to get to his feet while lifting Nate into the air. Nate was smiling then, tucked under Jay’s arm sideways like a football. “Put me down,” he chuckled.

“Nope. I changed my mind – I’m taking you to work with me. You’re gonna have to learn how to bus tables.” 

“Noooo!” Nate cried.

“Yup,” Jay teased. “I’ll kick back and let you do all the hard work for me.”

“No, I wanna stay with Ryan!” Nate crowed, kicking his feet and laughing. 

“You heard the man,” Wheeler said to Jay.

“Ah, fine,” Jay jokingly conceded, setting him down. “I get a big kiss though!” 

“Jay, ew, no!” 

“Oh, yes sir. That’s the deal. Either I get a kiss or you’re coming to bus the tables for me.”

“Ugh, fine,” Nate scoffed, but he was smiling. He let Jay give him another hug and a peck on the cheek. 

“Love you, kid,” Jay said. 

“You, too.” 

“My turn!” Zoey said, raising her arms to show she wanted to be picked up.

“What, this little monkey?” Zoey gave a soft whine, and Jay lifted her back to his hip. “My girl,” he smiled. He kissed her on the cheek, too. Her hand was so small on his chest, and his heart ached knowing that he wouldn’t be the one to put her to bed. He needed a break from it, he really did, but he thrived on the love those kids had for him. It was all that kept him going.

He set his little sister back down and gave her a little push toward the TV. “Go play,” he said. Nate grabbed her hand, and they ran off. Jay turned to Ryan. “If Little Zee starts sucking her thumb, just give her a look and she’ll stop. She hasn't done it in a while, but if she does-” 

“Jay, I got this,” Ryan repeated. “Please. Don’t be late to work, okay?” 

“Thanks so much, man. You’re the best.” The two embraced. “Just call the restaurant if you need anything, okay? I should be home around 3 or 4, but if you just wanna crash here, you can sleep wherever.” 

Ryan nodded. “Go, big guy. Go fucking clean something!”

“Language,” Jay called over his shoulder. “And lock the door!” 

Once Jay was gone, Ryan jogged over to where the kids were sitting. “What are we watching?” he asked. 

“Foster’s!” Zoey exclaimed. 

“What’s that?” Ryan asked, tilting his head as the sound of loud, bubbly kazoo music filled the room.

“It’s Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends,” Nate explained. “When kids don’t want their imaginary friends anymore, they go to live at Foster’s.”

“Oh, cool,” Ryan said. 

“That’s Bloo!” Zoey interrupted, bouncing toward the screen and pointing toward a little blue lump with big eyes. “I like him the mostest. And Coco! She’s a pineapple.”

Nate corrected, “No, Little Zebra, she’s a _palm tree_.” Judging by his tone, it was far from the first time he’d told her.

They watched the title sequence in silence for a while, the kazoo music still blaring. “I like Wilt,” Nate said softly, pointing at a gangly, red monster who was spinning a basketball on one of his long fingers. “I like Eduardo, too. He speaks Spanish like David and Max from Dad’s street.”

“And he’s purple!” Zoey added.

Ryan smiled as Little Zee galloped across the small room and climbed into his lap without asking. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. She settled happily into his chest. 

Ryan was expecting to be bored, but the show was actually funny. It was pretty clever for a kids’ show, and Zoey was doing a lot of giggling. Ryan was doing some laughing himself. When the episode ended, Ryan lifted Zoey off his lap and went to go heat up the spaghetti in the microwave. When he returned a few minutes later, Zoey was sitting cross-legged on the floor, snuggled against Nate’s side.

“Here,” he said, handing each of them a plastic bowl and a small fork.

“Thank you,” Nate said, and then nudged Zoey when she didn’t say anything.

“Fanks!” she said, her mouth already full of pasta. Somehow, even after just one bite, she’d managed to get a large glob of sauce on her chin.

“Oh, oops,” Nate muttered when he looked at her. He set down his bowl. “Here, arms up.”

She lifted her arms and he tugged her shirt over her head.

“She always makes a mess, and pasta sauce stains,” Nate told Ryan.

“I do not!” Zoey protested. 

Ryan chuckled. 

“It’s back!” Nate said. 

Dinner and playtime went pretty smoothly. Aside from one quick spat over who got to play with the plastic dinosaur first, the evening was a piece of cake. Still, it wasn’t even bedtime and Ryan felt drained. How did Jay do this every day? Ryan called for bedtime five minutes early. 

“Alright, time for PJs,” he said.

“Awww,” Nate and Zoey chorused.

“Yep,” Ryan insisted. “Come on, you two.”

Zoey picked out what she wanted and then brought them to Ryan to put on her. “Oh, um,” he stammered. “You need help?”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay, here, sweetie…” 

It took him a moment to figure out what to do. He remembered what Nate had said earlier. “Okay, put your arms up for me.”

She obliged, and Ryan tugged her shirt off. She stood there in front of him expectantly, waiting as he figured out her Lady and the Tramp pajama top. 

“Here,” he said, tugging it down over her head.

She laughed. “Arms first, silly!”

Ryan chuckled. “Oops.” 

Zoey struggled in the shirt, wiggling about, so Ryan reached through one of the arm holes to pull her little hand out. Once that happened, she could get the other one through on her own.

“Alright, shorts,” he said.

Zoey tugged her own down, but she grabbed onto his shoulders as she stepped out of them to keep from losing her balance. She left them in a heap on the floor and wobbled a bit as she stepped into the PJ shorts Ryan was holding for her.

“All done?” Ryan asked her once they were resting on her hips.

“Yep! Do you know Lady?” she asked, pointing at the big cartoon dog on her shirt. 

“I haven’t seen that one yet.” He took her hand, and they went to go check on Nate. 

“You hafta come over again so we can watch it!” 

Ryan smiled. “I’d like that,” he told her truthfully. 

“They eat s’ghetti just like we do!” 

“Oh yeah?” Ryan asked. He’d seen the commercial and remembered just enough to know what she was talking about.

“Yeah, and they kiss with their noses!” 

“That sounds pretty cute.” 

“It is. I want a dog, but Jay says no way.”

“He says no way?” Ryan asked, laughing at her choice of words.

“Yeah, no way!” 

Ryan knocked lightly on the kids’ bedroom door. There was a paper sign taped to it that said “Nate and Little Zebra” in green crayon, and it looked like Zoey had added some pink doodles of… something around where Nate had drawn a rocket, a handful of planets, and some sort of four-legged space animal floating through the crooked stars. 

“I’m not done!” Nate called from inside the door.

“Okay. Let us know when you are.”

“We have to brush our teeth!” he called.

Oh, crap. Ryan had forgotten about that. “Okay.”

“The toothpaste is in Jay’s bathroom. I’ll be there in a minute.” 

Ryan and Zoey walked down the hall together, and honestly, Ryan was a little nervous. He had very little idea how to brush someone else’s teeth, let alone a little kid with teeny tiny teeth. 

Zoey pushed Jay’s bedroom door open, breezed past the pinup girl drawings tacked to the wall, and headed straight for the bathroom. She climbed onto the step stool and blinked at the mirror. There was a yellow sticky note stuck to the glass. 

“What’s that say?” Zoey asked.

Ryan smiled. “It says, ‘Be good. Love you.’”

Zoey smiled and then reached for the toothpaste.

Nate came in a moment later and reached for his yellow toothbrush. He asked Ryan for the toothpaste and then told him, “Jay usually sits her on the counter.”

“That’s a great idea.” Ryan lifted Zoey up and was pleased at the way he could see all the way into her mouth. The wiggling, on the other hand… 

Nate noticed and said, “Little Zebra, hold still. He’s new at this.”

Ryan smiled at him gratefully.

Pretty soon, teeth were brushed and the kids were picking out books in their room. They peacefully sorted through the tall stack of library books they kept on the floor. “Ooh, I want this one!” Zoey announced, clutching a book tightly to her chest. She grabbed the stuffed bunny off of her pillow and headed for Ryan, who was sitting on the edge of Nate’s bed. After a few more seconds of deliberating, Nate came up to the bed with two books under his arm. Ryan raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.

“Me first!” Zoey announced. She shoved her choice into Nate’s hands, and together they climbed under the covers.

Nate began. “If you give a pig a pancake, she’ll want some…”

“Syrup,” Ryan helped.

“Syrup to go with it.” 

Zoey pointed enthusiastically to the next page, giggling at the illustration of the pig lying on the kitchen table with her tongue sticking out. “She’s so cute!” Zoey squealed.

It took Nate about five minutes to get through the story, and then it was his turn to be read to. He handed Ryan a book called _The Hallo-Weiner,_ a book about a Dachschund in a hot dog outfit. Ryan chuckled but read the book anyway.

Once that was finished, Zoey laid down on the corner of Nate’s pillow and started quietly singing to her bunny, but her brother wasn’t satisfied. “Can we have one more?” he asked 

“I thought Jay said just one each.” 

“Please? Zebra really loves this book. It makes her feel better when Jay’s not here.”

Ryan looked over at the little girl as she tugged on the stuffed animal’s floppy ears. It took a few seconds for him to realize that _Nate_ was the one who was worried about Jay not coming back. He was just using Zoey as an excuse, and Jay had seen right through it earlier and reached out for Nate instead of just comforting the littlest one. Now Ryan could see it, too. 

“Alright, _one_ more, and then bed.”

“Yes!” Nate whispered. He handed Ryan a small red and green book – _Goodnight Moon._  

Ryan softened his voice and started to read. Zoey’s eyes were closed before Ryan got even halfway through the story. When it was finished, her breathing was even, and Nate’s eyes were starting to droop as well.

“Alright, buddy,” Ryan said, standing up and letting Nate lie down fully under the covers.

“Don’t forget Little Zebra’s nightlight,” Nate reminded. 

“I won’t.” He put the books back in the stack and moved the nightlight from Zoey’s side of the room over to Nate’s. He used the light coming in from the kitchen as a guide. 

“You good?” Ryan asked Nate. 

He nodded sleepily. 

Ryan leaned down and kissed the top of his head. “Night, little man.”

“Night, Ryan.”

Ryan was walking around the bed to say goodnight to Zoey when he saw Nate scoot back gently until his back pressed against his sister’s. Ryan couldn’t help but smile. He leaned down and gave Zoey a kiss, too. “Goodnight, baby girl.” 

“Ryan?” Nate whispered. 

“Yeah, Nate?” 

Nate was quiet for a moment before he said, “You’re a good babysitter.” 

Ryan came around and rubbed Nate’s short hair. “You’re a good big brother.” 

“Will you come back? I like playing with you.”

Ryan grinned. “I hope so. Little Zee asked me that, too. I’ll talk to Jay about it.”

“Mmkay.”

“Goodnight.” Ryan turned to go.

“Wait, Ryan?” Nate piped up again. 

“Yeah?” he asked over his shoulder.

“If… if Jay doesn’t come home, will you stay with us?” 

Ryan’s shoulders deflated. “Buddy,” he murmured, walking over to Nate. “Jay’s coming back. He promised, didn’t he?” 

“Yeah. But-”

“No buts,” he insisted, remembering what his mom used to say to him. “He promised. And I’ve known Jay almost as long as you have, and we both know that Jay doesn’t break his promises. Isn’t that right?” 

Nate nodded. 

“Okay,” Ryan said.

“But if-” 

“Yes,” Ryan interrupted. “If anything ever happened, I’d stay.” 

Nate nodded, comforted. “Okay.” 

“Okay. Goodnight, buddy.” 

He softly closed the door. Those poor, sweet kids. Their mom had fucked them up so badly. He turned the TV back on as quietly as he could and watched a rerun of that week’s Niners game. 

Around 3:30, Ryan woke up to the sound of the front door swinging shut. He stood up and went to the kitchen, where he found Jay opening the refrigerator.

“Hey, man,” he greeted. 

“Hey, you’re up!” 

“Yeah, I heard the door.” 

“How were they?” Jay asked, stuffing a handful of cheese cubes into his mouth. 

“Sweet. Very sweet.” 

“Good. Sometimes Little Zee gets a little cranky.”

“Nah, she was fine. Nate seemed… worried, though. He’ll be really glad to see you.”

Jay shook his head. “That kid,” he mused sadly.

"You know they're sleeping back to back in there?"

"Yeah," Jay smiled, "They do that all the time. That's why I call them Yin and Yang. They don't know that, of course. What'd you guys do? I hope they weren't too much trouble." 

“We watched some show about imaginary friends.” 

“Oh, Foster’s, yeah. We love that one.” 

“It was funny. And then they played with their dinosaurs for a while. Dinner went fine, and they both brushed their teeth.” 

“Did they push for extra popsicles?” 

“Shit, I forgot,” Ryan cursed.

“It’s okay,” Jay laughed. “They don’t need them. They must have been having a blast if neither of them asked for dessert.”

“Yeah, I think so. But Nate asked for an extra book. I read it to him.” 

“Ah. What did you guys read?”

Ryan scratched the back of his neck. “Uh, Little Zee picked a book about a pig, and Nate picked that one with the dog in the hot dog outfit.”

“What was the extra one?”

“ _Goodnight Moon_.” 

A sad expression crossed Jay’s face. “Ah.” 

“What?” 

“He picks that one when he’s sad.” 

“He, uh. He asked me again if you were coming home. And even though I told him yes, he asked if you didn’t come back if I would stay.” 

“Fuck,” Jay said, shaking his head. “I’m really sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay, I. I understand.” 

Changing the subject, Jay asked, “Is there any spaghetti left?” 

“Yeah, a little.” 

“I’m gonna eat it. You want anything?” 

“Nah, man, I’m good.” 

“You wanna stay over? You can sleep in my room with me or crash on the couch if you want.” 

“That would be great,” Ryan said. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll lie down on the couch while you eat, and if I’m still up, I’ll go in your room with you.” 

“Sounds good.” But Jay had barely started eating when he heard Ryan’s snores come drifting toward the kitchen.


	6. Sick Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A prompt from an anon who wanted to see a little Nate and a teeny Zee trying to take care of Jay while he's sick.  
> Jay is 15, Nate is 8, and Zoey is 4.

Jay was coughing when he woke Nate on Wednesday. “Hey, little man. Can I ask you a huge favor?” 

“Uh-huh,” Nate replied sleepily. 

“Can you get your sister ready for school today?” 

“Yeah,” Nate answered, yawning and sitting up. “Why?”

“I don’t feel so good today, that’s all.” 

“Are you sick?” 

“Yeah,” Jay responded glumly. “But I’ll be fine.”

“We can stay home to take care of you,” Nate suggested. 

Jay chuckled, which prompted another coughing fit. “I don’t think so,” he said, when he caught his breath again. “I just need to sleep. And you monkeys need to be in school.”

Nate nodded.

“I’ll put some Pop Tarts on the counter for you, alright? Don’t miss the buss or I’ll kick your ass. 7:15.”

“I know.”

“I’d give you a kiss, but…”

“Go to sleep,” Nate commanded, and Jay had to smile.

“Thanks for helping me out, buddy. I love you” He headed back into his room and crashed into bed. He listened to Nate and Zoey stage whisper back and forth for a few minutes before sleep pulled him under. 

He woke a few minutes later to the front door slamming shut, and he glanced at the clock. 7:14, it read. God, Jay was so thankful for his incredible little brother. 

Jay woke up again at noon and called in sick to the restaurant. He was running a fever, and he had no appetite. The coughing was worse, and now he was congested in both his nose and his sinuses. Fuck. 

Jay forced himself into a hot, steamy shower to try to relieve some of the pressure in his nose and his head. It worked… until he got out. Then it was as if he had never even gotten in the shower in the first place. At least he got a good deal of mucus out in that first nose-blow. 

Jay crawled back into bed, defeated. He snored until there was a tiny knock at the front door. “Jay, I forgot the key!” Nate called. “I’m really sorry!”

“It’s okay, buddy, I’m coming, I’m coming,” he mumbled.

Nate’s face was immediately full of concern when Jay opened the door.

“Are you okay?” Zoey asked loudly. “You’re all white!”

“I’m alright,” Jay lied. 

Nate reached up on his tiptoes to feel his brother’s forehead. “You are _not._ You have a fever. Don’t worry, though; I’ll take care of you.” 

“Me, too!” Zoey cried, her wavy hair bouncing as she jogged up to wrap her four-year old arms tightly around Jay’s leg. 

Jay reached down to detach his sister, and then he wiped his nose with the back of his hand. He headed back for his room. “Go put some play clothes on, okay?” he said to them. “We can order pizza for dinner.” 

“Yay!” Zoey cheered, but Nate shook his head.

“I can make something,” he suggested. 

“Like what?” Jay asked without turning around. God, he wanted so badly to get back in bed and sleep. 

“I don’t know. Peanut butter and jelly?”

“That’s what I had for lunch!” Zoey squealed happily.

“Well, that’s what we’re having for dinner, too,” Nate told her.

“Yes!” she cried.

“That’s fine, Nate,” Jay said distractedly. “Now, can you two just play really fucking quiet so I can get some more sleep?” As an afterthought, he added, “And Nate, do your homework.”

“I will.” 

"Should we give him a band-aid?" Zoey asked Nate.

"No," both brothers answered at the same time.

Jay disappeared into his room and closed the door. Then he heard Zoey ask, "What about ice, does he need a baggie of ice?"

The twins, amazingly, were quiet all afternoon. It was a fucking miracle. Nate did his homework on the kitchen table and let Zoey watch cartoons in the living room the whole time. Afterwards, he went and sat with her, keeping her quiet while they played with stuffed animals and sometimes watched the TV.

Jay could hear little whispers going back and forth outside his door again, though, and he blinked awake. Then there were three knocks. “Jay?” Zoey called through the door. “Are ya sleeping?” 

“Yes,” he groaned back. 

“Do you want dinner?” Nate asked. “I made sandwiches and cheese cubes.” 

Nate wasn’t supposed to use the sharp knives, but Jay let it slide. “Just the cheese,” he mumbled.

“Okay!” cried Zoey. Jay could hear her little footsteps dash a few feet away and into the kitchen.

“Careful, Little Zebra,” Nate warned.

“I can do it,” she insisted. And then Nate was pushing Jay’s door open for her, and she was coming in with a little plate of cheese cubes tight between both hands. 

“Did you have some juice?” Nate asked as Jay forced himself to sit up. 

“Not yet.” 

“I’ll get you some.”

“Orange,” Jay said through a fit of coughing. 

“I know,” Nate replied, but he wasn't talking back. He was just reassuring Jay that he could handle it. 

Zoey set the cheese down on Jay’s bedspread and climbed up by his feet.

“Don’t come too close,” Jay cautioned. “I don’t want to breathe on you.” 

“Cause then I’ll get sick?”

“Right.” He reached for a little square and forced himself to chew and swallow. He didn’t feel like eating, but he didn’t want to worry the kids. “Can you hand me a tissue?” he asked Zoey. 

“Yeah.” She crawled up the bed to his nightstand and pulled one out of the box. Then she lifted it up to his nose, as if he was going to blow his nose into it while she held it. Although she supposed that was what he often did for her. 

“Thanks,” he said, removing it from her fingers. He blew his nose, and it made a loud, high-pitched sound that had Zoey dissolving into giggles. He shot her a glare. 

“You sound like an elephant!” she laughed.

“Oh, thank you,” Jay said sarcastically, but it did make him feel a little better. At least he could still make her smile.

After three cheese cubes and a few sips of orange juice, Jay declared himself finished. He laid back in bed and let Nate studiously feel his forehead.

“I’m fine, Nate,” Jay told him, hoping he sounded confident.

Nate nodded and reached into his pocket, where he'd stuffed a pot of store-brand Vick's VapoRub.

"No," Jay groaned, but Nate protested, "It works." Jay couldn't argue with that. He let his little siblings rub the concoction into his chest, and Nate put some on his nose and cheeks, insisting, "It helps."

"Smells like peppermint. Does it taste good?" Zoey asked. Her fingers were halfway to her mouth when Nate reached out to stop her.

"Not in your mouth," he replied firmly.

She nodded. Then she drew a happy face with it on Jay's forehead and a heart on his arm. Nate stopped her then and turned the light out.

“I wuv you, Jay,” Zoey declared, going forward to kiss him on the mouth. Nate yanked her back just in time.

Jay weakly blew her a kiss, and Zoey blew an enthusiastic one back. 

“Night, monkeys,” Jay murmured. 

“Night,” they chorused.

“You’ll feel better in the morning,” Zoey told him, remembering what Jay used to tell him when they still lived at Dad's.

He gave a tired smile, and he closed his eyes as Nate ushered her out the door. "Hey, Nate?" he called. He coughed a little.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks, man. You're a great brother."

Nate gave a nod and then shut the door. 

Jay was amazed to find that the happy face Zoey had painted on his forehead with the Vick's was actually helping him the most. Who would have known. He'd have to tell her in the morning. 


	7. My Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoey is 4. Jay is 15.

Jay noticed a paper in Zoey’s preschool Friday folder that wasn’t usually there. “Fuck,” he muttered. This was going to be interesting.

On Monday, Zoey showed up to school with a few Polaroids glued haphazardly onto a piece of paper with three horribly scribbled stick figures. 

MY FAMILY, Jay had written. He’d labeled each stick figure as his little sister named them, squeezing the thin black pen between her fat red crayon strokes. 

He came in with Zoey for her presentation. Basically, all she had to do was point to the pictures and say some things about each person, but Jay was nervous, and the families were invited, so he went. 

The teacher shook Jay’s hand, and her eyes lingered a second too long on his hairstyle and black eye. He just smiled politely and greeted her softly. She gave him a warm smile and said, “Give me about five minutes, and then it’ll be her turn.”

“Thanks.” Jay took a spot in the back of the room, where he leaned against the wall and watched his baby sister interact with her teeny tiny friends. She seemed to be talking the most to a little black boy who was interested in her orange hair clip. She yanked it out to show him, and Jay sighed internally. He’d have to put it back in or it would get lost like all the other ones. They only had a few left, and once they were gone, he wasn’t going to be able to afford new ones until next month. But then the little boy was clipping it onto his shirttail, and Zoey hugged him and headed back to Jay. 

“What was that?” Jay asked softly, crouching down next to her. “Did you just give him your hair clip?”

“Yeah!” 

“Why?” 

“He said his sister doesn’t have none hair clips.”

“She doesn’t have any hair clips?” Jay corrected. 

“No, and I want her to have one. I have _three_.” 

Jay looked at her and shook his head. “Gimme a kiss,” he prompted, and she leaned forward to peck his cheek. “That was really nice of you,” he whispered. 

She shrugged. “I just want everybody to have a hair clip that wants one.” 

Jay ruffled her hair. She gave him a playful scowl and reached up to pat it carefully back into place.

The teacher rang a little bell, and all the kids quieted down.

“Time to take your seats,” the woman smiled. She ran through some morning announcements, like who got to be line leader and what specials they had that day. They were all very excited to go to the library. Zoey looked over her shoulder to make sure Jay had heard; he gave her a thumbs-up. She giggled and whipped back around.

“Some of you have probably noticed that today, we have a special guest! Zoey’s dad is here this morning.” 

Jay blushed a shade of pink; he knew people assumed that of him all the time, but it was a little funny to be introduced as a father. He knew he looked much older, but he was barely fifteen. Zoey didn’t correct her teacher, though, so Jay didn’t either. 

“Is Zoey gonna share her family?” a little girl asked. 

“Yes, she is! Zoey, are you ready?”

“Yes!” Zoey cried happily. She bounced up to the front of the room, her dark curls waving around her shoulders. She passed her paper to her teacher and waited patiently while the woman clipped it to the easel. Then she gave Jay a big smile and began. “My name is Zoey! And I am four years old. My birthday is August!” 

Jay chuckled to himself.

“Green is my favorite color, and I like cake.” 

“Very nice, Zoey,” the teacher praised. “Can you tell us a little about the people in the pictures?” 

Zoey squashed her finger right onto Nate’s face. “This is my big brother Nate! He’s eight. He likes animals, and we watch shows together. We also play in the ocean and the arcade. He’s real good at the game with the bees.” 

“And who’s that?” the teacher asked, pointing at Jay in the picture. 

“That’s Jay! He’s my daddy, but he’s also my big brother.”

The teacher made a confused face at Jay, who said, “I’m her brother. We, uh. We don’t live with our parents. It’s, uh… a little confusing for her right now.” 

The teacher nodded in understanding.

“You don’t live with your _parents_?” one of the kids asked, shocked. 

“Nope,” Zoey replied, “but I see my other daddy sometimes. Jay’s a real good cook. He makes macaroni casserole and pancakes! And he's a fighter. He's so good he won a gold belt!”

“Where’s your mommy?” a little boy with glasses asked, peering at her photos.

“I don’t have a mommy.”

Jay swallowed. Zoey didn’t seem upset… yet. 

“Everybody’s family looks different,” the teacher explained. “That’s why we talk about them. Remember how Matt has a mommy and a daddy and a stepmom?” 

“But she’s not mean like the fairytales!” someone piped up.

“No, I like her lots,” Matt assured.

“Exactly. Zoey’s family is her brothers. And that’s just fine. I can tell she loves them very much.”

“Yeah,” Zoey said. She smiled at Jay, who gave her the best smile he could muster. 

Maybe moving out had been a terrible idea. A terrible, terrible idea. 

And then it got worse. 

“So Matt has three parents, and Zoey has zero.”

Zoey blinked, as though this had never occurred to her.

The class burst into chatter.

Zoey looked back at Jay again, and this time, he had no idea what the fuck to do. She was clearly bewildered. At the sad, confused look on her little face, Jay decided to intervene anyway. He headed to the front of the classroom, and Zoey reached her arms up before he even got to her. He scooped her up onto his hip. She rested her head on his shoulder, her open palm lightly rubbing circles across his chest. 

“We do have a dad,” Jay explained. “We just live in a different house.” 

“How come?” This time, it was the little boy Zoey had given the hair clip to. 

“Well… it’s better for us that way.”

Zoey nodded in agreement.

Jay glanced down at her and tugged her thumb out of her mouth. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and looked helplessly at the teacher.

“Thank you, Zoey!” she said, and led the applause.

The class clapped, though there were still some confused whispers going back and forth on the colorful rug. 

“I’m gonna take her in the hall for a second,” Jay told the teacher softly.

“Take your time,” the teacher said warmly, but she looked a little sad.

They were barely out of the door when Zoey started asking questions. “How come I don’t have a mommy? You said she was on vacation, but she never came back. Nate says we just don’t have one. Is she still skiing at the mountains? How come Matt's got three parents and I don’t got _any?_ And why don’t we live with Daddy no more?”

“Okay, shh, slow down,” Jay murmured. He sat down cross-legged against a bulletin board covered in lily pads and badly painted frogs, and Zoey sat down facing him. “I want you to listen to me, okay?”

Zoey nodded, eyes wide with seriousness.

“I love you so much. But… I’m not your dad, Little Zee. I’m your brother.” 

Her lip wobbled as she took the information in. He reached forward to brush some of her hair away from her face. Damn her big heart – she needed that hairclip.

“You’re not my daddy?” 

Jay shook his head, and Zoey started to cry.

“Little Zee,” he sighed softly. 

“But you’re tall, and you’re a boy!” she protested, a fat tear running down her cheek. 

“I know,” Jay agreed, “but that doesn’t make me your dad.” 

"And you take care of me!"

"I know. But I'm still not your dad." 

“Well, why not?” 

Jay almost laughed. He was _not_ having that conversation with a four year old. “Mommy and Daddy – _our_ Mommy and Daddy – had three babies. Me, Nate, and you. And I was first, so I’m the tallest, and then Nate was next, and then you.” 

“I’m the shortest,” she supplied. 

“That’s right.” 

“So Daddy is my daddy?” 

Jay nodded. “Yeah.” 

“My only daddy?” 

“Your only daddy.”

“And no mommy.” 

“Right,” Jay answered. It sounded so harsh, but it was their reality. He couldn’t change it. It had been almost four years since his mom had abandoned them; she wasn’t coming back now.

“She’s not skiing?” 

“No, baby, she’s not skiing. I don’t know where she is.”

"Oh," she murmured. Then her lip wobbled again. “Are you still my Jay?” 

“Hey, of course,” he said gently, and she sprang forward into his lap. 

“My only Jay?”

He smiled into her shoulder and kissed the side of her head. “Your only Jay. And Nate is your only Nate. You never have to worry about that. And if you ever get confused about any of this again, all you have to do is ask me. Okay?” 

She nodded and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. He gave her a moment more to be sad, and then he reached down to her belly to tickle her. She squirmed in his lap and let out a squeal, and soon she was laughing so hard she could barely remember that she had been upset in the first place. 

“I wuv you, Jay,” she told him, kissing him on the lips. 

He stood up, lifting her with him and setting her on her little feet. “I love you too, little monkey. You ready to go back to class? Don’t wanna miss the trip to the library.”

“Li-berry!” she cried, heading excitedly for the door. 

“Wait, wait, hey! Give your big brother a hug,” Jay said.

She ran back to him and threw her arms around his middle. “See ya after school!” 

“Bye, Little Zee.” 

“Bye, Jay!” She gave him a big wave and then threw the classroom door open, disappearing back inside.


	8. Stomach Virus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some puking in this chapter. nothing graphic but if you don't like it, don't read this one.  
> Zoey is 4, Nate is 8, and Jay is 16

“Jay, I don’t feel good,” Nate admitted from the doorway, his little hand clutched over his belly.

“Oh, not you, too,” Jay sighed, motioning Nate into the bathroom with an open arm. Nate knelt next to his big brother and leaned into his shoulder.

Zoey was nestled in Jay’s other arm, snoozing lightly against his chest. He’d been sitting on the bathroom floor with her while she vomited off and on for nearly an hour, but the exhaustion had won out, and she’d been sleeping for twenty minutes. Jay just didn’t have the heart to move and wake her up.

“You feel hot,” Jay murmured to Nate, pressing a hand over his forehead. 

“Mmngh,” Nate whined softly. He wasn’t interested in a diagnosis; he just wanted comfort.

Jay sighed silently to himself, tilting his head back against the counter and rubbing his little brother’s back. It didn’t last long, though; Nate stood up a moment later and emptied his dinner into the sink.

“Fuck, dude,” Jay muttered sadly. He stood up with Zoey on his hip and helped Nate rinse his mouth out.

“I don’t feel good,” he said again, his voice even smaller than usual.

Jay couldn’t help but chuckle sadly at that. “I know, babe. You wanna get back in bed?” 

“No, I wanna stay with you.”

“Okay,” Jay replied, running a gentle hand over Nate’s too-warm forehead. He hadn’t heard those words from his little brother in a long time. 

Nate shut his eyes and leaned into Jay’s waist.

“Let’s get some blankets and pillows, okay? We can have a sleepover.”

In response, Nate clumsily wiped his mouth on Jay’s t-shirt. Jay would normally have cringed or cursed, but he already had a smear of puke on one of his sleeves from his baby sister. These kids… 

“Is Little Zebra okay?” Nate asked, hooking his hand around her ankle as he walked (read: stumbled) down the hall to the room he shared with Zoey.

“She will be,” Jay promised. 

“What time is it?”

“Way fucking past your bedtime. Come on.”

Nate slowly picked up his pillow and the navy blanket he slept with every night and waited as Jay crossed the room to grab a pillow for Zoey and her butterfly blanket. They headed back to the bathroom together, and Nate dropped his pillow and blanket on the floor, lying down immediately.

Jay took his time, trying not to jostle Zoey too much as he sat down on the tile again. His attempt was in vain, though; she woke a little and started weakly crying, but he softly hushed her and slipped his hand under her pajama top to rub her back until she quieted. 

The bathroom was silent for a few minutes, but soon, Nate was throwing up again, this time into the toilet. Jay slowly put Zoey down and pulled her blanket up to her chin the way she liked. Then he stepped forward and crouched down next to Nate.

“You okay?” he asked, but then more vomit was coming out of his little brother. “Alright,” Jay murmured, his hand on Nate’s oversized t-shirt. 

The middle Kulina sibling gave a quiet groan and sat back on his heels.

“You done?” 

Nate nodded, so Jay flushed the toilet.

“Alright, lie down,” Jay encouraged. He stayed up rubbing Nate’s back until the younger boy fell asleep. Then Jay stood quietly and wedged his way out of the bathroom to grab a pillow and blanket of his own.

There were two peaceful hours of sleep before Zoey’s moaning woke Jay.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting up on his elbow. 

“I frew up again,” she said sadly. There was a spatter of orange vomit on her pajamas. Her lip quivered. “I’m sowwy, Jay.” 

“Shh, it’s okay. Here.” He tugged her shirt carefully over her head and tossed it into the main room of the apartment. “Do you need to throw up again?”

“Yeah,” she groaned. 

“Let’s go sit in there,” Jay said. He lifted Zoey and stepped over Nate. He took a seat on the edge of the bathtub and carefully set his little sister down on the tile in front of the toilet. He swept her sweaty curls back from her face and quickly braided them before she could get sick again.

Even in the dark of the bathroom, her skin looked pale. He absently stroked her hair until she leaned forward to vomit.

“Okay, you’re fucking okay,” he murmured.

“I don’t wike it,” she complained weakly once she was done. She started to cry again. “It feels bad.” 

“I know,” he sighed. “Let’s get some water, okay?” 

Nate woke as the toilet flushed, but he stayed put, turning over onto his side and immediately falling back to sleep.

After Zoey rinsed her mouth out and dozed off again, Jay ducked out to the landline in the hallway to make a call.

"Hello?"

"It's me."

“It’s the middle of the night. What the fuck do you want?” came Alvey’s careless tone. 

“Dad, the twins are sick.” 

“What kind of sick?” he asked tiredly.

“Throw-up sick. Little Zee’s been puking on and off since yesterday, and now Nate is too, and he’s got a fever. I don’t know if Little Zee does or not, but just.” He swallowed. “I took the day off yesterday to take care of her, but I can’t do that again. I fucking can’t. We have to make rent this month or they’ll kick us out, and I don’t have anywhere else to go. I… I hate to say this, I fucking do, but. I need help.”

Alvey was quiet. 

Jay forced a jaded laugh. “You know what, never mind. Fuck. Never mind, I’ll-”

“What do you need, Jay?” 

The boy exhaled. “Sleep,” he admitted. “And I need someone to watch them tomorrow – Nate can’t go to school, and they can’t go the fucking gym either. They need to stay home. Can you think of somebody? I don’t know who to call. There’s this girl from work that Zoey likes, but Nate’s never met her, so he’ll be nervous around her, and I don’t want that because he’s so fucking sick already, and-”

“Jay.” 

“What?” 

“When do you want me to be there?”

Jay shook his head. “No. No, not…”

“Come on. They’re my kids; I can handle it.”

“They’re _my_ kids,” Jay growled, but when he heard Zoey’s sleepy voice call for him, he sagged helplessly. “You promise you won’t hurt them? _Promise_ , Dad.”

“I promise.”

“Jay?” Zoey whimpered again.

“I’m coming, babe. Hold on one second, okay?” Then into the phone, “I gotta go. Little Zee’s calling me.”

“I’ll come now,” Alvey decided. “I can’t sleep anyway.”

“Thank you,” Jay breathed. “It’s 204 and the door is fucked up. It won’t lock, so it’s open, but you kind of have to push it with your shoulder to get in.”

“Alright.”

Alvey could hear Zoey’s soft crying through the phone, and he was kicking himself already for agreeing to go over, but Jay sounded so broken. Maybe Alvey could make Jay see him as the knight in shining armor again if he went to help.

“Is that Daddy?” Zoey’s tiny voice asked.

“Yeah. He’s-”

And then the line went dead.

 

* * *

 

 

The shitty apartment Jay picked was barely a five minute drive from Alvey’s. (He needed to be by the gym, and Nate had been insistent that he was going to stay at the same school.) When Alvey got there, Zoey was already sleeping heavily on Jay’s shoulder.

“Hey,” the older man greeted quietly.

“Hi,” Jay replied, giving a tired attempt at a smile. “Thanks for coming.”

“No problem.” Then, “You look fucking awful.” He wrinkled his nose. “Smells fucking awful, too.” 

Jay stood up with Zoey in his arms. “You get used to it.” He kissed her curls and then passed her carefully to his father. “Try to keep them in here if you can. I don’t want to have to fucking clean up again.” 

“Okay.” 

“There’s Gatorade in the fridge. Nate likes yellow and Zoey likes the blue one, but if you give her some, make sure she brushes her teeth afterwards, cause her mouth will be fucking blue for the next two days if she doesn’t. There’s some canned soup, too, but I don’t know if they’ll feel like eating anything. Just make sure they don’t get dehydrated. And I have blankets in there for them, but if they get cold, there are more in their rooms.”

“Okay,” Alvey said again.

“They’ve been bouncing between hot and cold, so I don’t know. Um, if they want to get in bed with me, they can, but like I said, try to keep them in the bathroom. Pajamas are in the bottom drawer of their dresser if they need clean ones. They’ll wear whatever you give them – they’re not picky. And if-”

“Jay,” Alvey interrupted, adjusting his grip on his daughter.

“Yeah?”

“Go the fuck to sleep. I got it.” 

Jay nodded distractedly. “Yeah, okay,” he muttered. He peeked in to make sure Nate was still sleeping and then headed slowly to his room. “Come get me if you need anything,” he instructed as he shut the door.

Alvey rolled his eyes. It’s not like he hadn’t raised kids before. Jay was more of a mom than a big brother, it seemed.

The oldest Kulina didn’t realize how quiet the apartment was until he was left alone with Zoey in his arms. She was warm from sleep and smelled like baby sweat and honey shampoo. Alvey climbed carefully into the bathroom over Nate and laid Zoey back down on the ground. He draped her blanket over her legs and took a seat. He didn’t know why Jay needed him to supervise sleeping, but if it earned him some Dad points, then he’d do it.

Time passed slowly. 

The absent father listened to his children’s even breathing and realized all over again how much he didn’t really miss their presence. God, he was awful. But he couldn’t help it; he’d never really wanted kids. The first one, a little. Other than that, no. Nate turned out to be such a blessing, but even he was draining at times. He was so interested in the world. He was quiet, but he was so full of curiosity, accidentally drifting away from his family in stores to touch every toy and blanket and pillow he saw.

And Zoey? Alvey barely knew her. He didn’t know what she liked (other than blue Gatorade and apparently butterflies), what made her happy, or what she was afraid of. Her hands were tiny, and she was thin; she didn’t have that baby pudge that Jay and Nate had both had, but that didn’t tell Alvey anything about her. The little girl who had just been sleeping on his shoulder was a complete stranger. She had been an accident, but it was accident that Alvey used to heal himself. After that, it didn't matter. _Zoey_ didn't matter. 

Alvey coughed, and Nate’s eyes snapped open. 

“Sorry, buddy,” Alvey muttered. “Go back to sleep.”

“Daddy?” Nate asked groggily.

“Yeah." 

“Where’s Jay?”

“Sleeping.”

Nate nodded. “Okay.” He sat up and slid his pillow and blanket closer to Zoey. They were facing opposite directions, Zoey with her feet toward Alvey and Nate with his feet toward the wall, but Nate didn’t seem to mind. He wrapped his hand around his little sister’s fingers and laid back down, burrowing into his pillow to sleep. 

Alvey didn’t realized he’d dozed off until he woke to Zoey’s soft cries. “Daddy, Daddy,” she begged. 

Alvey looked at her and took a deep breath. “Oh, shit…”

“I’m sorry,” she said, lip wobbling. There was a spot of puke on the carpet and some on her clean shirt, and she was sitting up looking flushed.

“Here,” Alvey replied, motioning her toward him. “Watch your step.”

She untangled herself from her blanket and Nate’s hand and went toward him for a hug.

“No, no, wait,” Alvey commanded a little harshly. 

She flinched but stood still. 

He peeled her pajama top off as Jay had done earlier and then let her climb onto him. She nuzzled her temple into the center of his chest, moaning softly as her stomach churned. 

“Don’t throw up on me,” he warned. 

“Mmkay,” she murmured.

He could feel her clammy little body sweating, and he started to feel bad for her. She was so small. He rubbed a hand over her back, so she let herself relax into him. He may not have had good fatherly instincts, but he did know that now that she’d done that, he wasn’t going to be able to move for a long time – probably hours. Fuck.

It had barely been two hours since he’d arrived at the apartment, but Alvey willed time to move faster so he could get the fuck out of there and go home.

 

* * *

 

The next day consisted of Zoey and Nate propped up on opposite sides of the couch watching cartoons. It was surprisingly easy to find something they both liked; Alvey had been expecting more arguing. But Arthur was apparently safe, even for Nate, who had just turned eight. 

Because of his fever, Nate slept more than Zoey, but Zoey was still throwing up more than Nate. Alvey was getting a little concerned. Other than vomiting, all the little girl seemed capable of doing was lying on his chest and quietly crying, so he lifted her up and went to the fridge for the number of the free clinic. He was on hold for what seemed like forever before hanging up and calling the number of the pediatrician he used to take Jay to.

“Hey. My daughter’s been throwing up for two days. No, no fever. Okay. No… okay. Okay, thank you.”

He didn’t realize it, but he’d been rocking her back and forth on his hip, and it finally put her to sleep. The nurse on call had suggested soup or water, but Alvey was more than thankful that his kid was finally resting again. He walked her around and around the kitchen, and she kept sleeping.

 

* * *

 

Jay got home to a silent house. He jammed the front door open like normal, but at the quiet inside, he set his keys down carefully and slid off his shoes.

His eyes landed on the sofa; all three members of his family were sound asleep on the couch. Alvey was sitting between Nate and Zoey, who were each sleeping with their head resting on one of his legs. Alvey’s hands were on their shirts, as though he’d fallen asleep giving backrubs.

Jay grabbed some leftovers out of the fridge and slipped quietly past them to his bedroom. He tried not to wish this was normal.


	9. Thanksgiving 2002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this for tumblr, hence the extreme lack of capitalized letters and the weird style. i sincerely thought this was going to be a paragraph or two, and then... it just sorta took off. maybe i'll fix it someday. but i hope you like it anyway. have a happy thanksgiving, loves!  
> zoey is 5, nate is 9, and jay is 16.

2002 is jay, nate, and zoey’s first thanksgiving away from alvey. after they moved out, they spent the first thanksgiving with him, but not this time. jay has sworn off holiday dinners with dad, and he doesn’t want to fucking talk about it. he’s going to make this thanksgiving the best that nate and zoey have ever had (which - face it - isn’t going to be that hard). nate’s nine now, though, and he deserves a good thanksgiving. and zoey’s at the age where she’ll want to talk about the holiday with her friends from kindergarten on monday, so he makes sure things will be good for both his siblings.

on wednesday, he splurges on thick-sliced turkey at the deli and buys microwavable frozen macaroni and cheese, the kind with the gooey cheese that nate has always liked the best. he also sneaks a pint of vanilla ice cream into the freezer at home without his siblings noticing. sweet.

thursday morning, he sets an alarm so that he’s up in time to catch the thanksgiving parade on the crappy tv with nate and zoey, who sit too close (to both each other and the television) and love the snoopy float the best. zoey squeals when the sesame street characters sing and there’s a closeup of the bright orange zoe muppet. she spends the rest of the morning trying to recreate the song from hairspray and kicking her feet all over the place like the rockettes. she only stops after she nearly smacks nate in the face with her toes and he tackles her, rough but not angry. 

they play cards after, slapjack and go fish and old maid, and pretty soon, jay makes popcorn for lunch. they watch miracle on 34th street, and zoey falls asleep on his lap. nate disappears into the room he shares with zoey and reappears with a chapter book about dinosaurs and siblings named jack and annie. it’s below his reading level, but it’s one of his favorites, and jay asks him to read it out loud. his quiet, gentle mumbles are welcome in the bare apartment. zoey wakes up forty-five minutes later and excitedly tells them of her fantastic dream about running with dinosaurs. when zoey’s not looking, nate gives jay a small smile. 

jay warms the turkey slices in the oven just to make it feel like a real thanksgiving, and even though she’s getting big, he holds zoey on his hip so she can watch the macaroni rotate inside the microwave. screw that article that said they’d get cancer standing in front of the it. there’s no way. 

nate sets the table while jay makes the plates. zoey is asked to carry the food to the table, and she goes slowly, like she knows the meal is extra important that night. she learned about the pilgrims and the indians at school that week, so maybe she _does_ know. they sit down together and talk about nothing, but zoey’s laughing at jay’s stupid jokes, and nate cracks a few big grins, so jay’s chest warms inside. 

zoey asks if the pilgrims and indians ate macaroni at the first thanksgiving, and jay scratches his head and pretends like maybe they did, but nate, who’s too smart for his own good, tells her softly that they probably didn’t because thomas jefferson was the one that brought pasta over and he wasn’t there yet. 

after dinner, jay tells his brother and sister that they were so good all day that he called santa up to tell him. he says that santa was so pleased that he asked jay to tell nate to check the freezer for an early surprise. nate opens the door and sees the vanilla bean ice cream, and it’s not the ralph’s store brand. it’s real mcconnell’s ice cream. nate takes it down reverently, and zoey gasps, and jay tries to act just as surprised. this is probably the last year nate will believe in santa. he kind of expected nate to stop long ago, but that kid is so goddamn loyal that maybe jay’s not that surprised. santa’s been good to nate. there’s no way nate’s gonna listen to a couple kids at school who say he’s not real. 

the siblings get bowls from the cabinet, and jay lets them have two scoops instead of one. no one complains that there are no toppings. 

zoey asks if she can call santa and say thank you, and jay smoothly tells her that santa’s already in bed for the night because it’s later at the north pole than it is in LA, but she can write him a letter if she wants, and jay will make sure to send it. she nods seriously and goes back to her dessert. 

jay asks them what they’re thankful for while they do the dishes, just because he’s curious. they’ve both brought him hand turkeys from school that say “i love you,” and he hung them up with magnets on the fridge. but he wants to know what they’ll say candidly. 

zoey points at nate and says, “you.” then she points at jay and does the same. “and my teachers and santa.” jay thinks she’s done, but she adds, “also, the ‘partment and dogs.”

“we don’t have dogs,” jay says.

“i know. i just like them.”

jay smiles and hands nate a plate to dry.

nate says, “you and little zebra. dad. school. the new gym. david and his family.” he looks at jay and says, “but you and little zebra the most.”

“i’m thankful for you guys, too,” jay says. he’s barely sixteen, and he’s working two jobs - three on the weekends - and they’re still just managing to scrape by. “i’m thankful for mma and air conditioning. my friends... the tv... the free clinic.” 

“and santa,” zoey supplies.

he smiles. “yes, santa’s fucking great.” 

nate nods. 

“alright, little monkeys. bathtime,” he says to zoey, setting the dishtowel over the edge of the sink. 

“nooooo,” she moans. 

“yep. gotta wash all that turkey off of you.” 

“i don’t have any, see?” she holds her arms and hands out for inspection. “all clean!”

jay tsks and pretends like he can see macaroni sauce all over her arms. 

“no!” she giggles as he picks her up and slings her over his shoulder like a potato sack. “put me down!”

“never,” jay teases. 

nate follows behind and obediently goes to take a shower. 

“i think nate’s gonna get some extra presents from santa,” jay tells zoey as he pours shampoo onto the crown of her head ten minutes later. 

“no he’s not!”

jay chuckles. “we’ll have to see, little monkey.” 

she looks up at him with her big eyes. “do you think daddy had a happy thanksgiving?” she asks. 

aw, fuck. leave it to the kids to make him feel guilty. “i’m sure he did.”

“do ya think he watched the parade?” she asks curiously. 

“mmm, i don’t know,” jay replies, pretending to think it over. 

“i bet he liked the snoopy balloon,” she muses. 

“i bet,” jay murmurs. 

he rinses her hair out while she lightly splashes her hands against the surface of the water. “alright, come on, little zee,” he says, helping her out of the bath. she wraps up in a ladybug towel with a hood and smiles. her baby teeth are getting too small for her mouth. jay caresses her cheek and then gives into the wave of emotion. he tugs her in for a hug. 

she leans against him, warm and a little wet even through the towel, and she lets him pick her up like a baby and carry her to her room. she gets dressed mostly by herself, and he brushes her hair out and gives her two braids. he tugs on the ends when he’s done. 

she climbs under the covers with nate, and they close their eyes as jay tells them the story of three turkeys named turkey tay, turkey tate, and turkey toey. they giggle and soon fall asleep. jay kisses both of their heads.

he retreats to his room, rolls a joint, and hopes that zoey’s right and alvey did watch the parade. he lets the high take the guilt away. at least they made it through a holiday with no tears, no yelling, and not one bad moment. that was more than enough in jay’s book. 


	10. French Braids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoey is 5. Nate is 9. Jay is 16. I'm glad y'all are enjoying my little snapshots :) Special shoutout to PinkPineapple23!!

Zoey had come home from kindergarten with a pouty lip because Teresa showed up at school that day with tiny French braids. It would have been alright except that Teresa added that her mom had done them, so naturally, Zoey thought she would never be able to have braids. When Zoey relayed the story to Jay, he promised her they’d go to the library after Nate came back from elementary school so he could learn to do her hair. 

Zoey waited anxiously the rest of the day for Nate to get home. Jay sat her down in front of a House of Mouse rerun, but even that didn’t help too much. The two eventually wound up going down the stairs and waiting in the apartment’s parking lot for the bus. Zoey found an abandoned piece of blue sidewalk chalk on the concrete and started doodling with it. Three “mermaids” later (Jay tried not to laugh at her terrible art), Zoey’s ears perked up at the sound of Nate’s bus down the street. 

“Nate!” she exclaimed, hopping to her feet.

“Whoa,” Jay murmured, grabbing her around the waist and then standing up. “Don’t run into the road, remember? We talk about this every time.”

Zoey was too excited to apologize. “Can we go see the statue at the front? Ooh, and do you think Miss Cindy The Librarian will be there?” (Once, Zoey had asked something about “Miss Cindy,” and Jay had replied with, “The librarian?” After that, it always seemed that Zoey assumed her name was Miss Cindy The Librarian.)

“Slow down, monkey,” Jay smiled. “Let’s get Nate upstairs first, and then we can talk about the library, okay?” 

“Okaaaay,” she whined. But then the bus was stopping in front of the parking lot, and Zoey started bouncing on her toes in anticipation. 

Two little girls got off the bus with matching tennis shoes – Clara and Chloe; they lived on the first floor with their mom – and then there was Nate’s dark hair. He smiled when he saw Zoey and Jay waiting for him; usually he went upstairs and greeted them inside, but this was a special surprise. He jogged over to them, waving as he went. Zoey threw her arms around his middle, and Jay smiled as Nate leaned down to plant a kiss on the top of her head. 

“Hi, Little Zebra.” 

“Guess what!”

“What?” Nate asked.

Jay shook his head. Zoey couldn’t even wait one second to say hello. 

“We’re going to the li-berry!”

“We are?” Nate asked excitedly, looking up at Jay.

“Yeah,” Jay affirmed. He reached down to Nate to get his hug. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yeah. We learned a new thing in math.” 

“What is it?” 

“Um,” Nate thought. “I don’t remember what it’s called, but it was cool! We got to look at a pizza on the screen.” 

“Cool. I bet it’s too hard for me. You’ll have to show me later.” 

“Okay,” Nate grinned. He grabbed Zoey’s hand and tugged her quickly up the rest of the stairs and to the apartment door. They waited outside for Jay to bring the key. Nate scooped his sister up, and she happily wrapped her legs around his stomach and snuggled into his shoulder. 

“The li-berry, the li-berry!” she declared. 

“Li _brary,_ ” Jay corrected amiably. “Who wants a snack?” 

“Me!” Zoey cried. Nate followed her to the tiny kitchen and dropped his backpack on the kitchen table. He plopped down in the chair and reached into his backpack for his binder. Zoey perched in her usual spot over his shoulder.

“Did you get new spelling words?” Jay asked.

“Yeah. Wanna hear?” 

No, Jay didn’t want to hear, but for some reason, Nate seemed to get so much joy out of reading aloud. He read pamphlets and signs, and he even read bedtime stories to Zoey every chance he got. He was at the age where he was really good at it, so Jay only had to half-pay attention. “Sure.” 

“Okay. Fourteen, plenty, relax, figure, determine…” 

Jay spread a bit of peanut butter inside the rounded part of a few celery sticks. “You two want ants?” Jay asked.

“Yes!” Nate answered, interrupting himself. He continued, “Sentence, sketch, bleacher, richer, v… voo-chair?”

“Voo-chair?” Jay repeated, smiling. “Spell it.” 

“V-o-u-c-h-e-r.” 

“Ah, good try. It’s voucher,” Jay told him. “It’s like a ticket, kind of. It says you can get something. Like how we get backstage passes for fights.” 

“Oh.” Nate said. “Pitcher, urban, suburban, rural…” 

Jay shook his head and reached on the lowest shelf for the raisins. He sprinkled a few down each piece of celery and then joined Nate and Zoey at the table. “Alright, eat these and we’ll go, okay?” he asked as they each grabbed one of the sticks. “Nate, you can do your homework after, okay, buddy?” 

“’kay,” Nate replied, crunching on his snack. They ate quickly as they always did, and then Jay hoisted Zoey over his shoulder, pocketed the keys, and led his siblings down the stairs. They walked about half a mile down the sidewalk to the public library. 

Zoey flew in the front door and was hit with a blast of chilly air. She zoomed up to the desk in the children’s section. “Hi, Miss Cindy The Librarian!” she stage whispered.

Jay quickly caught up to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “Slow down,” he chastised, but Miss Cindy didn’t seem to mind.

“Well, hello there, Little Zee!” she replied quietly, a sweet smile on her face. “How are you doing today?” 

“I’m good, how are you?” she asked. She looked up at Jay, proud of herself. They’d been working on that one. He gave her a nod of approval. 

“I’m doing very well,” Miss Cindy replied. “Thank you for asking. Now, what can I help you with today? More fairy books? Or perhaps mermaids?”

“Today we’re looking for some non-fiction,” Jay said. He scratched the back of his neck. “One of the girls in her class came in with her hair done up all fancy, and I told her I’d try to figure out how to do hers, too. Is there a book for that? I didn’t really know which section…” He trailed off as Cindy started typing.

The computer was slow, so Miss Cindy kept talking to them while she waited. “Now, where is Nate today?” 

“Oh, he’s around here somewhere,” Jay chuckled. “Probably finding a chapter book about dinosaurs or sharks.” 

“Ooh, that sounds exciting,” Miss Cindy smiled. The printer whirred to life and spit out a list of titles. She handed Jay the paper. “You’ll want to go upstairs for these. They should be on the left.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Good luck, sweetheart,” she said to Jay. “And Little Zee, I hope you get some really fancy hair for school!” 

“Me too! Bye!” 

“Bye, my sweeties.” 

“Oh,” Jay said, turning back. “If you see Nate, can you tell him we’re upstairs? He doesn’t like it when he can't find me.”

“Will do.”

“Thanks!” 

Zoey grabbed onto Jay’s hand and tugged him up the stairs. He dutifully followed behind but asked her, “Do you know where you’re going?” 

She stopped. “Oh.” 

Jay laughed, moving in front of her. “Come on. This way.”

It only took a few moments for Jay to locate the books Cindy had suggested. He sat Zoey down in the middle of the aisle – there was no one anywhere nearby – and together they flipped through the pages. 

“That one!” Zoey pointed enthusiastically at the page with a picture of a girl with highlighted blonde hair sporting two gorgeously weaved French braids. Jay’s face fell a little as he looked at how intricate the pattern was. The directions seemed fairly simple, though. 

“Okay,” he hummed. “Here, turn around. And sit real fucking still, okay?”

“Real fucking still,” she repeated softly. 

Jay mentally smacked himself. “No, hey. We talked about that. That’s a grown-up word.”

“I know. But I can be a grown-up with you, right?” 

Jay leaned forward and kissed the top of her head. “Not yet, Little Zee. I told you, you gotta get out of fifth grade first and then you can cuss. That’s the deal for both of you.” Then he set to work. 

He parted her hair down the middle like the girl in the book, but he had to use his fingers. He should have thought this through; a comb would come in really handy right about now. Still, it was easier than he’d expected. Okay, next step. Start the braid up at the top of Zoey’s head. Then repeat, but pick up a small piece on each side. 

It went okay for a moment, but then –

“Shit,” Jay whispered. 

“That’s a grown-up word too!” Zoey told him. 

“I need a fucking swear jar.” 

“You said fuck again!” 

“Zoey, don’t,” Jay warned. He let go of her hair and started over. His tongue slid out between his teeth as he concentrated.

Halfway down the first braid, Nate showed up with three books under his arm. “Jay! I found a dolphin book, and look, this one’s all about the animals in the rainforest! And this one has Africa animals!” 

“Cool,” Jay told him. “Are you gonna check out all of them?” 

“Yep!”

“Sounds good,” Jay smiled. “I can’t wait to hear about them. You always make me have animal dreams. I swear, someday I’m gonna wake up a lion!”

Nate smiled. “Are you learning hair?” he inquired.

“Trying to.”

“Okay.” Nate sat down next to Zoey and opened the Africa book.

“What’s that one?” Zoey asked, pointing at a big cat on the first page.

“It says… lee-oh-pard.”

“Leopard?” Jay asked. 

“Oh, yeah. Leopard.” 

“What’s a leopard?” Zoey asked. 

“Nate, what does it say?” Jay prompted.

Nate read the paragraph about leopards aloud as Jay tied off the first braid and started on the next one. By the time Nate had read Zoey three more pages, her other braid was done. It was a little crooked, but Jay was tired and it would do.

“Alright, monkey, you’re done,” he told her. 

“Can I see?” 

“Yeah, go look in the bathroom.” 

“Okay!” She darted away and then came right back. “Jay… where’s the bathroom?”

“I know,” Nate told her. “Come on, I’ll show you.” He turned to Jay. “Don’t let anyone take my books!” 

“I’ll guard them with my life,” Jay promised dramatically. 

Nate rolled his eyes, grabbed Zoey’s tiny fingers, and led her around the stacks. Jay dropped his head into one of his hands and paged through the hair book a little more. There were some harder ones, but there were also cool designs that seemed really simple, including one about a fish. Nate would get a kick out of that.

Jay stacked the hair book on top of Nate’s animal books and headed in the direction his kids had gone. He had barely caught a flash of Zoey’s big smile before she was leaping forward and throwing her arms around his legs. “Thank you, thank you!” she cried. “I’m a mermaid fairy princess!” 

He laughed. “I’m glad you like it.” 

“Can I go show Miss Cindy The Librarian?”

“Sure. You need to pick some books out too, don’t you? Come on, Nate, let’s go back downstairs.”

“Did you get my books?” 

“Right here,” Jay said, transferring the three animal books into Nate’s hands. 

Nate tucked them back under his arm and then smiled lovingly up at his big brother. Jay ruffled his hair and wrapped his arm around him. “Come on, little guy. Let’s catch up with your sister.”


	11. KO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jay is 16, Nate is 9, Zoey is 5. Ryan is 16 as well.

“You’re gonna fucking kill him!” Nate grinned, his fingers woven through the mesh of the cage. 

Jay stuck a finger through and poked Nate on the nose while his opponent was being announced. He was nine years old now, but Jay still couldn’t resist.

“Hey,” Nate laughed, leaning back. “Go beat him up.”

“I fucking will,” Jay assured. “Where’s my baby girl?” 

“Right here,” Ryan supplied, stepping forward with Zoey on his hip.

“Good luck!” she chirped. One of her front teeth was missing, and Jay couldn’t help but chuckle at her bright smile.

“Thanks, girl. Gimme a kiss.”

Ryan lifted her up, and she pecked Jay’s lips through the cage.

“Be good for Ryan, okay?”

Zoey nodded firmly. “You better fucking win!” Zoey told him, echoing her father’s earlier words. 

Jay smiled at her fondly. “Stop cussing,” he said gently. 

“Hey, kill him,” Ryan encouraged, pressing his hand up to the wall. Jay laid his over his best friend’s and then turned away to get ready to fight. 

The first round went well, and Jay easily came out on top. It was the second round where things went quickly downhill. Jay’s opponent came back ready for blood. The Kulina boy held his own for a little while, but a punch hit him just the right way. He blacked out before he even hit the ground. 

He landed right in front of where Nate, Ryan, and Zoey were standing.

Ryan immediately grabbed Zoey’s chin and turned her face away from the cage, but it was too late. She let out a shocked scream, so soft that it was almost inaudible. Nate lunged forward as if to get to his big brother, but Ryan caught him around the chest. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he murmured, trying not to let his fear be heard.

Alvey was in the cage fast as lightning, hovering over Jay and yelling at the ref and the other fighter’s coach while he let the medic do his job. If that was stressful for Ryan, it was definitely extremely stressful for Zoey and Nate. 

Zoey squirmed hard to get down, but Ryan held her tightly, murmuring, “Come on. Let’s get out of here. Come on.”

Ryan had Nate by the hand, and he was forced to literally pull him out of the room. The little guy’s body was cranked around as he watched his unconscious brother, mentally begging him to open his eyes.

They quickly headed out of the arena, and Ryan ignored several cameras that were pointed their way. His only focus was getting those kids out of there and away from the chaos. 

As soon as they were out of the area and into the tunnel, there was quiet. Ryan could hear Zoey crying, which he hadn’t noticed before. “Shh-shh-shh,” he whispered to her, rubbing her back. He still had Nate’s fingers clutched in his other hand. Nate was holding onto him hard.

They headed back to the locker rooms, and Ryan walked them all the way to the end of the room before they sat down on the tile. Ryan pressed his back into the corner, letting it ground him. He knew that the injury wouldn’t be as terrible as he was imagining, but it was still hard to see his best friend like that.

Zoey slid out of Ryan’s grasp and over to Nate, who squeezed her in a hug. Ryan watched them silently. 

“Is he gonna wake up?” Zoey asked over Nate’s shoulder. Her little butterfly clip was crooked, and Ryan absently fixed it.

“Of course he is,” Ryan promised. “He’s gonna have a headache, but he’ll be okay.”

Zoey wiped her nose on Nate’s shirt, pulling a sad smile out of the makeshift babysitter. 

“I never thought he would lose,” Nate muttered.

“It happens,” Ryan stated sadly.

“Not to Jay,” Nate fiercely countered. 

Ryan silently thought about Jay and the myriad drugs he’d been doing. He’d missed his last fight completely – not that the kids found out about that. He made weight and everything, and then he just decided not to show up. Ryan didn’t want to know what Alvey must have said to him. 

A moment later, Ryan’s pager started beeping. Nate and Zoey sat up a little and let Ryan dig into his pocket. _Going 2 hospital. Take kids to my place._ The message was from Alvey. He’d been hoping for a better update, but at least there was that.

 _OK,_ Ryan wrote back.  
  
“Was that my dad?” Nate asked.

“Yeah, buddy. They’re taking your brother to the hospital to get him checked out.”

Nate nodded.

Ryan stood up and Nate followed suit, but Zoey just held her arms up. “Okay, come on,” Ryan whispered, reaching down to pick up the littlest Kulina. “Let’s get you guys home.” 

The kids were silent in the car. Ryan didn’t have car seats, so he told Nate to make sure Zoey stayed put. She was half asleep against her brother’s side when Ryan glanced behind himself to check on them.

Nate was watching out the window, his little face expressionless as could be. It kind of freaked Ryan out, the way he was always so calm. Once the moment of panic had ended, Nate returned to his normal blank slate. 

“Jay?” Zoey murmured. 

Ryan blinked, unsure of what to say. Clearly Little Zee was disoriented and she just wanted confirmation that her brother was still in the room, but he wasn’t. Even in just those few seconds, the little girl detected that too much time had passed.

She pushed herself up from where she’d been resting against Nate’s side. “Where’s Jay?” she asked. 

“He got hurt, remember?” Nate told her softly. 

“I’m taking you guys to your dad’s,” Ryan explained. “Jay’s at the hospital with your dad.”  
  
Zoey’s lip trembled. Ryan reached into the backseat to hold her hand, and Nate hugged her. 

“We’re almost home,” Ryan soothed. “Almost home.”

Zoey swallowed and tried to nod. The car fell silent again.  
  
Traffic was easy since it was past midnight. The street lamps bathed the inside of the car in orange light, and Nate’s eyes glowed every time Ryan looked back at him.

Finally, _finally_ , they pulled into Alvey’s driveway. Nate led Zoey up to the door. He tapped in the code for the sliding glass door with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around his sister’s fingers. Ryan followed them inside and said, “Go get your pajamas, okay?”

The kids each disappeared into their respective rooms. After two minutes of standing in the hallway waiting for them, Ryan saw Zoey dart across the hall into Nate’s room. Thirty seconds later, Nate followed Zoey back into her room.

“We’re gonna sleep in her room,” Nate said. Then he quickly added, “She asked me to.” Which had been true, but Ryan was sure Nate hadn’t wanted to be alone anyway. 

“Ryan!” Zoey called from inside. 

“What, babe?” 

“Can you stay with us?”

“Little Zebra,” Nate chided. 

“No, it’s okay,” Ryan said. “Nate, can I steal one of your pillows?”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay, thanks, buddy. I’ll be right back.”

The kids heard Ryan rummaging around in Nate’s room and then the sound of the linen closet opening and closing. Ryan came back with a pillow and the spare quilt. He dropped it on Zoey’s floor and then went to get a phone from Alvey’s room. 

“I don’t want to sleep,” Ryan heard Zoey whisper from the hall. He stopped walking and listened. 

“I know, me either,” Nate whispered back. “I’m hungry.”  
  
“I want Jay,” Zoey said sadly. 

The sheets rustled, as if Nate had scooted over to hug his sister. Ryan thought for a moment and then came back around the corner. “Hey, I know it’s kinda late,” he said, “but do you guys want something to eat? I saw popcorn in the pantry.”

“Popcorn!” Zoey smiled. 

“Okay,” Nate agreed. He climbed out of bed, his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle PJs making Ryan smile. 

Ryan let Nate hop on him for a piggyback ride, and Zoey followed excitedly down the stairs. 

“We gotta listen for it to stop popping,” Nate explained as Ryan popped a package in the microwave. “Otherwise it’ll get burned and the whole house will smell and Dad will yell at us.”

“Hey,” Ryan said, putting a hand on Nate’s shoulder. “Nobody’s getting yelled at. Okay?”

Nate nodded halfheartedly. 

“We’ll listen really carefully,” Ryan promised. 

Nate reached down for Zoey’s hand and reached up with his other one for Ryan’s. He stood between them, eyes closed in concentration.

Zoey wobbled from foot to foot as she shut her eyes and followed Nate’s example. “I have to go to the bathroom,” she whispered. 

Ryan chuckled. “You can go.”

“Okay!” She opened her eyes and ran down the hallway.

“I think it’s done,” Nate said a moment later. 

“Shall we check it?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” He walked up to the microwave and opened the door, letting the steam out before he reached in. He shook the bag around and opened it just a little. 

Nate peeked in. 

“Is it done?” Ryan inquired.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Me, too.”

“I’m gonna put it in a bowl.”

“Okay, but don’t eat any until Little Zebra gets back.”

“Okay, I won’t,” Ryan said. He stopped with the popcorn and turned to Nate. “You know, I’m really proud of you.”

Nate tilted his head in confusion. 

“You’re a fucking great brother, dude. I wish I had a brother like you.” 

Nate smiled shyly. “Thanks,” he said. 

“Here I come!” Zoey called from the other room. Ryan heard her little feet thudding quickly back to the kitchen. 

Nate quickly tugged on Ryan’s shirt. “Can we watch Foster’s?” he asked hopefully.

Ryan thought for a moment. “ _One_ episode,” he said.

“Yes!” Nate cried. “Little Zebra, Little Zebra! He said we can watch a Foster’s!”

“Yay!” 

Nate set up the episode. Zoey took her usual spot snuggled up against Ryan on the couch, but it didn’t last long. Pretty soon, both kids were hopping around, laughing hysterically as Ryan tossed popcorn in the air. They took turns trying to catch it in their mouths. 

“I got one, I got one!” Nate announced, crunching down proudly.

Zoey pouted.

“Here, Little Zee, try again,” Ryan encouraged. Seven more tries, and she caught one, too.

It was hard to get them to settle back down, but once the imaginary friends on the TV had their attention again, the house was quiet. Ryan cleaned up the kitchen a little while they watched, just throwing away the plastic wrap and the bag from the post-midnight snack.

When Ryan came back in, Zoey climbed into his lap in a way that didn’t allow her to see the show anymore. When she nuzzled her head into his neck, he realized she intended to fall asleep on his chest. “Sweet girl,” he murmured. He kissed the top of her head. 

When the credits rolled for the episode, Nate turned the television off without having to be told. “I’m so tired,” he yawned. 

“Me, too,” Ryan said. 

He stood up with Zoey in his arms; she was already dead asleep. “Should we put Little Zee in her room?” Ryan asked. 

“Yeah. I’ll still sleep in there with her. She doesn’t like to wake up by herself. You can stay too if you want.” 

“Okay. Thanks, bud.” 

When Alvey came home at 4 AM, he found all three of them asleep in Zoey’s room. The whole house smelled like popcorn, but the smell was so good that Alvey popped a bag for himself before he went to bed.


	12. Roller Rink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jay is 17, Nate is 10, and Zoey is 6

The morning started out with Nate pointing out an ad in the newspaper for World on Wheels, the local roller rink. _Two for one entry! Half price skate rentals!_  

Jay pretended not to have heard – the rent was going to be dangerously close this month, and they still had to buy groceries, and Zoey needed a new pair of sneakers – but Nate tried again. “Jay, Jay!” he said excitedly. “The roller rink is having a sale!” 

“What are they selling, huh?” Jay asked. He put on a silly voice. “Little children for eating? Hmm?”  
  
Zoey, who was sitting next to Nate at the tiny kitchen table, let out a giggle. Nate wasn’t fazed though.

“No, you can get in for cheaper today!”

Jay slowly headed over to Nate’s chair to peer over his shoulder, but Nate shoved the paper at him excitedly. “It’s the middle one on the bottom row,” Nate told him.

The older boy scanned the black and white page for the World on Wheels square. “Hmm,” he murmured, tapping his chin exaggeratedly. 

Nate and Zoey shared a hopeful grin.

Jay caught it and internally sighed. These kids had him wrapped around their little fingers. “What do you say we call, uh. Mr. Ryan Wheeler? And we all go down to the roller rink after lunch?” 

“YES!” Nate cheered.

 

* * *

 

The whole thing wound up only costing Jay $11.50, which was about nine dollars cheaper than he’d expected ($7.50 for Jay and the twins to get in, because Ryan paid his share of $2.50, and skate rentals were $2 a piece, but Nate had a hand-me-down pair from when Jay was little). The Middle was playing over the speakers when they walked in, and Jay hoisted Zoey up onto his hip and sang to her as they headed to get skates. 

_It just takes some time_  
_Litte girl you're in the middle of the ride_  
_Everything, everything will be just fine  
_ _Everything, everything will be alright_

Zoey leaned up toward him, and he was expecting her to pull his hair or poke his nose, but she surprised him by planting a kiss on his forehead and squeezing him around the neck. 

He grabbed her hand and rocked it back and forth as if they were dancing in a ballroom instead of walking through a roller rink. She laughed happily.

“What size shoes do you want?” Jay asked her as they got up to the window. 

“One!” 

“Your ones are too small. Maybe a two?” 

“Two!” 

Jay chuckled. “Can we try a two for her? And can I get inlines? Cool. Um, like an eleven.” As the worker disappeared to grab the skates, Jay glanced behind himself for his little brother. “Hey, monkey. What size do you want?”

“Six,” he answered. “Or seven.” 

“Try a six first,” Jay advised. He looked to his best friend. “And what size do you want, ya big baboon?”

Ryan subtly flipped him off. 

Jay chuckled.

Zoey wiggled to get down, and she grabbed her bright yellow skates off the counter. They went well with her neon orange t-shirt. The shirt always made Jay laugh, because it had a big picture of a bulldog's face screen printed across the front. It was extremely ugly, but Zoey adored it regardless. Jay personally hailed it as one of his all-time best thrift store finds. He was sad that she was starting to grow out of it.

“We’re gonna go get suited up,” he said.

“I’m staying with Ryan,” Nate insisted.

“Cool,” Ryan said, slinging his arm around Nate’s tiny shoulders. “We’ll see you in a minute,” he told Jay.

It was a bit of a struggle getting Zoey’s skates on – they fit her feet, but she was so antsy that she couldn’t sit still long enough for Jay to lace them. “They’re tight,” she whined, rolling the one he was working on back and forth on the carpet. 

He tugged it back into place before it could bang into his knee. “They have to be tight. Otherwise your foot will come out. They’re not like normal shoes.”

“Oh.” 

Jay looked up at her. “You’ve never done this before, have you?” he realized. 

She shook her head. 

He dramatically smacked his palm into his forehead and put on a silly voice. “Well, Little Zee, why didn’t you tell me? I had no fucking idea.”

She shrugged.

He finished her second set of laces and started on his own. She stood up, but he stuck his arm out. “Wait for me, okay? I wanna stay with you til you get the hang of it.” Jay laced his skates up quickly. “Okay,” he said. “Do you want to practice on the carpet or get right out on the rink?” 

“Carpet,” Nate suggested, but Zoey smiled and said, “Rink!”

“That’s one fucking brave little kid,” Ryan mused, shaking his head. 

“Right?” Jay replied. “She’s not afraid of fucking anything anymore. I don’t know what the hell happened.”

“Come on, come onnnn,” she urged, tugging Jay’s hand. Almost immediately, she lost her balance, but Jay, who was still safely on the carpet, pulled her back up before she could hit the ground. 

“You’re on wheels, babe,” he chuckled. “Don’t go too crazy.” 

“I can do it,” she insisted. “Come on.”

“Okay, Bossy Pants,” Jay sighed, but he followed her onto the rink. 

There was lots of slipping and wobbling, and Jay was pretty sure his little sister had never squeezed his hands so hard, but she made it successfully around the rink once and then let go of him with one hand. 

Honestly? Her balance sucked. She was flailing all over the place, but she looked like she was having so much fun that Jay couldn’t help but laugh at her. 

“You’re so fucking weird,” he told her. 

She stuck her tongue out at him and then nearly fell again.

Nate and Ryan skated by, and Nate shouted, “Little Zebra, come on!”

Zoey let go of Jay’s hand and started eagerly after her big brother, but within three strides, she landed on the ground, hard. 

Jay panicked – was there going to be blood? A broken bone? Tears? Maybe she’d hate roller skating forever - she’d never want to do this again. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, rushing to her side.

“Yeah,” she said distractedly. She glanced at her elbow, but other than that, she seemed fine. As soon as Jay had her back on her feet – or, wheels – she started chasing after Nate again. She was more running than she was skating, but at least she seemed really happy. 

Ryan whipped around the rink, smooth as fuck. He slowed down when he got next to Jay. “This was a great idea,” Ryan told him, falling into stride beside his best friend. 

“Nate found the ad in the paper. I didn’t even know he looked at that shit. He usually just wants to see the Peanuts comics.” 

“Smart kid,” Ryan noted. 

“Too smart,” Jay agreed. “He’s gonna go to Stanford, I swear to god. But he better get a full scholarship, because me and Alvey can’t pay for shit.” 

“Hey, you never know,” Ryan replied. “You might get rich!” 

Jay snorted. “Yeah, and Little Zee’s gonna love broccoli next year, and Alvey’s gonna get a job playing Mickey Mouse at fucking Disneyland.”

Ryan laughed at the image. “Maybe start on the broccoli first,” he suggested.

Up ahead, Zoey smacked her whole body onto the floor again. She made it to her hands and knees, and then she wobbled back up to her feet and raced after Nate.

Jay shook his head at her. “That fucking kid.” 

“That fucking kid,” Ryan echoed.

 

* * *

 

 

They took a water break but quickly hit the rink again. Zoey was still a hot mess, but she loved skating so much that Jay stopped worrying about all the falling and let her just do her thing. Once he let go of his fear, he had to admit it was a little funny that practically every time he glanced up, she was on the ground.

Nate and Jay had a race, and Jay made sure to time it so that they tied. Then Ryan and Jay had a race – Zoey cheered for Jay, and Nate cheered for Ryan, but when Jay won, both kids ran up to congratulate him.

Four thirty rolled around. Nate was holding Zoey’s hand and practically pulling her around the rink when he confessed to Jay that his feet were tired. Pretty soon, the little family loaded back into the pickup and headed home. Jay swore that the twins had never slept as well as they did that night.


	13. Sticky Situations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoey is in 1st grade (6), Nate is in 5th (10), and Jay is 17. Short and sweet, based off a conversation I actually had with three kindergarteners this week. Hope you enjoy.

Zoey was alone and crying when Nate got on the bus. She was in their normal spot with her backpack next to her to save Nate's seat, but she had tears running down her cheeks, and she was sniffling quietly like she was trying to be brave. A couple of the kids were staring at her, but no one said a word. Nate made his way up the aisle and sat by her side. He wrapped a protective arm around her, but it didn’t seem to do anything to comfort her. She cried the entire way home, the whole walk through the parking lot, and all the way up both flights of stairs to the apartment door. Nate fumbled with the key, but Jay had heard the noise and beat him to it.

“What the fuck’s wrong?” he asked, crouching down and holding his arms out for his little sister. She walked sadly to him and latched onto the collar of his t-shirt, crying a little harder then. Jay rubbed her back. “Huh? What’s wrong? Little Zee, what’s wrong?”

Zoey didn’t speak, so Jay looked to Nate for an explanation. He just shrugged. 

“She didn’t say anything to you?” Jay asked, truly surprised.

Nate shook his head. 

“Okay, come here. Up we go.” Jay lifted Zoey up, backpack and all, and carried her into the kitchen on his hip. Nate trailed behind. Jay set his sister down on the counter, wiggled her backpack off of her shoulders, and looked straight into her wet, bloodshot eyes. “Talk to me,” he said softly. 

Her face crumbled all over again. “I’m gonna die,” she whimpered. 

Jay’s eyebrows drew together. That definitely wasn’t what he’d been expecting. Bullying at school, yeah. That wouldn’t be new. But this? “What?” he asked. 

“I did something bad, and now I’m gonna die!” 

Jay was trying not to smile, but Nate stepped forward worriedly and unconsciously rested a hand on Zoey's scraped up knee. He listened closely.

“What did you do?” Jay asked carefully. “Huh? What the fuck happened?” 

“Liana says I’m going to die,” Zoey sobbed. “She said her mom said if you do what I did, then you _die._ ”

"What did you do?"

"I'm sorry, Jay, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to!"

“Little Zee, what the fuck happened?” Jay asked again, growing exasperated. It felt like the millionth time. 

The answer came so loudly it was almost a yell. “ _I swallowed a piece of gum!”_  

Jay let himself burst out laughing then. Even Nate had a hesitant smile on his face. 

“It’s not funny!” Zoey cried angrily. "I'm gonna die! Stop laughing at me!"

“Little Zee, you can’t die from swallowing a piece of gum,” Jay told her, his eyes alight at the humor. 

“Yes, you _can_!" she insisted. "Liana said her _mommy_ said so. And you’re not a mommy, so how would you know?” 

He fondly brushed some of her hair back from her face. “Cause I chew gum all the fucking time, Little Zee. You think I would let you monkeys have gum if swallowing it could kill you? No fucking way.” 

She sniffed loudly and ran her fist over the tears on her cheeks. “So I’m not gonna die?” she asked, her voice small. 

“No, you’re not gonna die. Not at all. They say it takes gum a long time to go through your system, but I don’t even know if that’s true.” 

“Six years,” Nate reported almost inaudibly.

Jay nudged him. “That’s not helping, buddy.” But the wink he shared after his words let Nate know that he was in the clear. 

“Are you sure?” Zoey challenged nervously. 

“Of _course_ I’m fucking sure. I know everything, remember?”

Zoey did smile a little then. “No, you don’t.” 

“Um, yes I do.” 

“No you don’t!”

“Yes I do,” Jay shot back. He grabbed her sides and started tickling her. “Yes I do, yes I do, yes I _do!”_

“ _No!_ ” she shrieked, laughter filling the little kitchen and bouncing off the tile. 

Jay engulfed her in a hug, and she squeezed back. Jay ruffled Nate's short hair until Nate batted his arm away. A peck on the cheek for Zoey and a few cheese cubes and crackers for the twins to share, and everything in the apartment was back to normal.


	14. Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoey's in second grade (7 years old). Jay is 18.

The bell had just rung for the start of class. Everybody stopped talking and went to find their assigned seats. Zoey grabbed her best friend Kelsey’s hand, and they headed for their spots.

“Zoey, wait,” Mrs. Kim said. “I need to speak with you for a moment.”

Kelsey gave Zoey a sad look and reluctantly headed to the front row by herself. Zoey curled her hair behind her ear as she walked a few steps over to where Mrs. Kim was waiting. 

“Zoey, you didn’t turn in your permission slip for the field trip. They were due today for the whole second grade. If I don’t have one by tomorrow morning, you won’t be able to go with us. Do you understand?”

Zoey nodded.

“I really want you to come. I think the fire department will be a lot of fun for you. But you need to get your Mom or Dad to sign, okay?”

“I don’t have a Mom,” Zoey stated bluntly.

“Oh,” Mrs. Kim said, blushing a little in embarrassment. “Zoey, I’m sorry, honey.”

“And I don’t have a Dad either. I have a Jay.”

“Oh, um. Well. Is Jay your guardian?” Mrs. Kim stammered.

“He’s my big brother. He takes care of me. He’s eighteen. But he’s working overnight at the restaurant again tonight, so can Nate sign for me to go? He’s eleven, and he’s _really_ ‘sponsible!” 

“I’m afraid not, sweetheart. I need a grownup’s signature.”

Zoey’s eyebrows drew together in a mix of confusion. “But he takes care of me when Jay’s gone. And my mom left us, and my dad is mean, so Jay moved us into a ‘partment. He’s just working tonight, so he can’t say yes.” 

“Zoey-” 

“Miss Kim, please! I really want to go!”

“I know. I want you to be able to, but it’s the rule. 

“Can I get Jay to sign it after we get back? I promise he would let me go.”

“No, Zoey. I have to have it before we leave tomorrow. No permission form, no field trip. And that’s final.”

Zoey felt tears welling up in her eyes. She was frustrated, but she was desperate not to burst into tears in front of her entire class. Instead, she channeled all her sadness into anger and unceremoniously jammed her middle finger up at the teacher. 

Mrs. Kim gasped and yanked Zoey’s hand out of the air. “Zoey!” she hissed. Then she shooed the little girl out of the room. “Go to the office. Right now, young lady.” 

By the time Zoey walked down the flight of stairs to the front office, she’d swiped two tears off her eyelashes and worked herself up to a near panic. The Vice Principal ushered Zoey into her office, and Mrs. Kim must have called, because he already knew what had happened.

“Please don’t tell my dad!” Zoey begged.

“Sit down, Miss Kulina.” 

“ _Please_! He’s gonna hate me even more. And don’t call Jay either, ‘cause he’s at work.”

The Vice Principal sighed. “Zoey, Mrs. Kim said you pointed your middle finger at her?” 

Zoey nodded.

“Do you know what that means?”

“Yes.”

“You do,” he responded flatly, clearly not believing her.

“Yes, sir, it means ‘fuck you.’” 

“Zoey!” he exclaimed. Then he collected himself. He sat back in his chair and drew a hand over his face. “I don’t recall any issues like this with Nate,” he said wearily. 

“No, sir. He’s always good. That’s what I was trying to tell Miss Kim! See, Jay’s working at Ralph’s all day today, and then he’s working at the restaurant tonight until after close like he did last night. So I won’t see him, and he can’t sign the form. I asked if Nate could sign it cause he’s ‘charge of me when Jay’s not home, so he should be able to sign the paper, right? He’s eleven now, he’s real growed up.” 

The Vice Principal sighed again. “Zoey, we need an adult’s signature. A real adult. Not Nate, and not Jay.”

“Jay _is_ a real adult! He’s got a car and a credit card and he makes dinner and he works at three jobs! And we have a ‘partment!” 

“I know, Zoey. But this file says Jay is only eighteen. Is that true?” 

“He’s gonna be nineteen next month.”

“Well, I need someone over 21 to sign the form. Which leaves your parents.” 

“I don’t have a mom,” Zoey said again. 

“I know. So either your father needs to sign the paper, or you’re going to have to stay in the library tomorrow.” 

“But I wanna go to the fire department!”

“So have your dad sign the paper.” 

“I _can’t!”_ she exploded. 

“Why not?” 

“Jay says we’re not allowed to see him anymore cause he’s ‘busive! Otherwise I woulda had him sign my permission slip!”  

“Abusive?” the man asked, his entire tone changing. 

Zoey nodded. “Please don’t call him.” 

“What does he do?” 

“He owns a gym.”

“No, no, sweetie. What does he do to you and your brothers?” 

Zoey shrugged and bowed her head, obviously uncomfortable. 

“I’m going to call your brother Jay, okay? You said he’s working at Ralph’s right now? The grocery store?” 

“Yes. But he says not to call unless it’s a ‘mergency.” 

“Well, Zoey, this _is_ an emergency, honey. We’re going to get him down here and sort this out, alright?” 

“No – no! We’re not allowed to call him at work unless we throw up or something catches on fire,” she explained seriously. “He can’t leave or we can’t pay the rent, and then we won't have a 'partment anymore and it'll be all my fault.” 

The Vice Principal looked at her sadly. “Zoey, we’ll work it out, I promise. Jay will want to be here for this.” 

Zoey swallowed. “Kay.”

She waited as the man pressed a few buttons on his desk phone and dialed. “Hi, this is John Bentley from Grant Elementary. May I speak to Jay Kulina, please?” 

There was a full minute of quiet. Zoey anxiously kicked her tennis shoes, which were tied too tightly because they were a size too big (they’d last longer that way). Zoey had just started staring out the window, watching a bird hop around on a bush when the Vice Principal spoke into the phone.

“Hi, Jay. This is John Bentley from Grant Elementary. I’m afraid I’m going to need you to come down to the school for a little while.”

There was a pause; Zoey could hear her brother’s muffled voice through the phone.

“No, no, she’s alright. There was a disciplinary issue, and now it may have progressed into a legal issue.”

“What?” she heard Jay ask sharply.

“We really need you to come down here immediately.” 

Jay must have have said yes, because the phone call ended shortly after that. Then Mr. Bentley made a phone call to the counselor. 

“Hey, Noelle. We’ve got a Blue situation here.” A beat passed. “Zoey Kulina. Yep. Alright, thanks. See you in a minute.” 

Zoey was surprised when Mrs. Clark walked in the door. She didn’t know the lady's first name was Noelle. That was the counselor that always smiled and brought candy in a basket when she came to class to talk about The Word of the Month. You got a piece if you answered a question right.

“Hi, Zoey,” she smiled.

“Hi,” Zoey responded softly. 

“It sounds like this morning hasn’t been going so well, huh?”

Zoey shrugged. “Not really.” 

“Mrs. Kim told me you got angry at her and did something with your hand that we shouldn’t do. Is that true?”

Zoey nodded regretfully.

“That wasn’t very nice, was it?” she asked sadly.

“No, Mrs. Clark.” 

“You’re not going to do that again, are you?” 

“No.”

“I’m glad. We need to be respectful to our teachers no matter how we might be feeling inside." Mrs. Clark crossed one of her legs over the other. "Now, I want to talk to you about something different. What’s going on with your family?”

“Nothing,” Zoey said truthfully. Everything had been normal that week.

“Well, Mr. Bentley here let me know that something’s up. Maybe with your dad? Is he not very nice?”

Zoey shook her head no. 

“What’s he like?” 

She nervously hugged her arms around herself. “He yells a lot,” she said quietly, casting her eyes down to her sneakers.

“Has he ever hurt you?”

She shrugged. 

“What does that mean?” the counselor asked, tilting her head in concern.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Zoey murmured. 

“I know, honey, but I really need to know. It’s important.” 

“Jay said not to talk about it.”

“He said that?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” 

Zoey didn’t answer. 

Mr. Bentley took a stab at getting her to speak. “You said Jay moved you guys into an apartment, right? Why?”

“After he hit him.” 

“Who hit who?” Mr. Bentley asked.

“Daddy hit Jay, so Jay said it wasn’t safe to live with Daddy anymore.” 

“That’s right, Zoey,” Mrs. Clark nodded. “Jay was right. It’s not safe to stay with people that hurt you.” Mrs. Clark looked at Zoey’s scared face and decided it was time for something less stressful. “Hey, you wanna go see if I have any Hershey Kisses in my basket?” 

“Okay." Zoey got up and reluctantly followed the counselor into the next room, but soon they returned with a handful of chocolate and a wipe-off board that had a tic-tac-toe game printed on it. That had Zoey’s attention. They played until the oldest Kulina boy got to the school.

Jay was nervous as hell; it was clear as soon as he came in the door. “Hey, sorry,” he said breathlessly as he rushed into the room.

“Hi, Jay. I’m Mr. Bentley." 

“Hey,” Jay answered. 

The pair shook hands, and then the Vice Principal motioned to the chair next to Zoey’s. “Have a seat.” 

Jay sat. He gave Zoey’s hand a quick squeeze. “Hey, Little Zee. You okay?”

She just looked at her shoes and didn’t respond. He was going to hate her.

He looked up at Mr. Bentley. “What happened?” 

“It seems that your sister got into an argument with her teacher about a permission slip. They were due today for a field trip, but Zoey didn’t turn hers in because she didn’t get it signed. Then she claimed she doesn’t have parents, and she… she got angry and showed her middle finger to her teacher in front of the whole class.”

Jay buried his face in his hands.

“Any idea where she learned that?” the Vice Principal asked. He was slightly accusing, staring at Jay’s new forearm tattoos.

Jay shrugged defeatedly. “She hangs out at my dad’s MMA gym a lot. She must have picked it up from one of the fighters. I’m _so_ sorry.”

“Now, I would have called your father, but Zoey begged me not to. And after what she said to me about him, I decided not to.” 

Jay looked down at her. “What did you say?” he asked. His tone would seem normal to an outsider, but Zoey could sense his anger. Her bottom lip trembled against her will. As he took in her facial expression, he knew. She’d spilled. 

“Mrs. Clark, our counselor, put in a call to the Department of Family and Children’s Services a few minutes ago.”

“No, no, no,” Jay murmured. “It was a long time ago, and they’re with me now. It’s been three years since we got out. The kids are hardly ever around him anymore, and when they are, they’re either with me or my best friend. We don’t hurt them, not ever.” 

“I believe you,” Mrs. Clark replied. “I just – it’s illegal for me not to report it. Do you understand?” 

Jay nodded grudgingly. Then he turned to his little sister. “Can you go wait outside for me?” 

Zoey swallowed hard and stood up.

He grabbed her by the wrist, and she turned back to him. “I’m not mad,” he whispered.

She bit her lip. “Promise?” she asked, too nervous to get hopeful.

Jay reached for both of her hands. “I know it’s a lot to keep quiet,” he told her. “I know, okay? It’s been a long time, but I know you and Nate saw what happened. And I know you were trying to keep them from calling him today, and you did what you had to. It’s okay that you told.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Come here." He pulled her into a hug. “I’m gonna work it out, okay? It’s gonna be okay.”

She nodded into his shoulder. 

Jay let go and gave her a little push towards the door. “I’ll be out in a minute.” 

“Kay.”

As soon as the door shut behind her, Jay turned to the counselor with wild eyes. “Are they gonna take my kids away from me?” he asked desperately. “ _Please_. Just tell me.”

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” Mrs. Clark replied. “I wish I knew.”

Jay swiped his fingers through his hair. “They’re all I’ve got,” he muttered. He looked to Mr. Bentley. “How much trouble is she in?” 

The Vice Principal sighed. “I’m going to recommend to her teacher that she gets some recess time taken away. Normally, we would do more – maybe a suspension, but-“ 

“Thank you,” Jay rushed. “I’ll have her write an apology letter to Mrs. Kim, and I’ll talk to her about it, I swear.” 

Mr. Bentley nodded. “Alright.” 

Jay stood up. “Listen, I’m so sorry, but I’ve really got to get back to work.”

“Yes, Zoey was very adamant about that,” Mrs. Clark smiled at him. “We really appreciate you dropping everything to come down here.” She slipped him a business card. “In case you need someone to talk to. Zoey told me what you do for her and your brother, and I can’t… It must be very difficult.”

“Uh, thanks,” he said, trying not to sound too dismissive. 

“Jay,” Mrs. Clark said.

He stopped and looked up at her.

“Your sister loves you very much.”

He nodded. “I know.” 

“I think it’s really important that you know she’s aware of how much you’ve done for her and how hard you work. She really appreciates it. And _I_ appreciate you taking such incredible care of your siblings.”

Jay was silent, basking in the praise. No one outside of the gym commented on his role of teenage parent, and to hear such a kind, sincere opinion was exactly what Jay needed. He made eye contact with the counselor. “Thank you.”

She gave him a sincere nod. “Say goodbye, and then I’ll see her back to class.”

Jay opened the office door and scooped Zoey up in a hug. He lifted her off the ground even though she was almost too old to be carried, and she rested her hands on his shoulders and buried her face in his neck. She sniffed – that sweet, earthy smell that always seemed to linger in his hair found its way to her nose, and she was immediately comforted. 

“We’re gonna talk about this more when I get home tomorrow, okay?” he said warningly, but he didn’t set her down.

“Kay. Am I in trouble?”

“Yeah.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

He shifted her in his arms so he could kiss her cheek, and then he set her down. “I’m going back to Ralph’s, but I’ll wake you up for school tomorrow, okay?”

“You will?” Zoey asked incredulously.

“Yeah. I gotta sign that permission slip, right?” he asked, winking.

She threw her arms around his waist. “Thank you, Jay! You’re the best!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he smiled. He tugged her hands from behind his back. “Okay, come on. Big brother’s gotta go to work.” He started down the hall.

“I love you!” she called after him.

He smiled at her over his shoulder. “Love you, too, monkey.”


	15. Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on a prompt from an anon. Thank you! This turned out so cute :))
> 
> Zoey is 11, Nate is 15, and Jay is 22.

“Hey, cool it,” Nate called to Zoey from the couch. His mouth was full of pizza, but Zoey could understand him well enough. She knew he was sensing her bubbling frustration. If she wasn't careful it might boil over, and this was not an apartment where that would go unnoticed.

Even with Nate's new job making pizzas at the Domino’s down the block (he was snacking on a Meat Lover’s that he’d snagged on his way out), the Kulina siblings were stuck in a two bedroom, one bath apartment for at least the next nine months. For once, though, Jay had decided that Zoey could have a room to herself. He shared with Nate instead of keeping his younger siblings in a bedroom together. But things had changed a little with the addition of junior high, and Zoey was keeping more secrets. Like, for instance, that she was meeting a boy at the bus stop in thirty minutes.

Guns fired loudly on the TV screen, but they didn’t quite cover the sound of Jay and his girl of the week, Celeste, giggling behind his closed door. Zoey was growing more and more frustrated at the color that she tried over and over to paint onto her lips. She’d spent a almost half of her birthday money from August at the drug store on the corner after school, getting the cheapest lipstick, eyeliner, and mascara she could find. It still cost her nearly nine dollars. 

But it didn’t matter now; the little Kulina was nearly in tears over how fucked up her mouth looked. And if she couldn’t even put lipstick on, which was supposed to be the easiest, how the hell was she going to get eyeliner on without accidentally stabbing her iris? 

She should have said no to Thomas, she really should have. But he was so cute, and he was always nice to her, and it’s not like she had a reason to say no. Plus, this was her first school dance, and her friends (all two of them) had been jealous that she’d been asked and they hadn’t.

Zoey sighed and tried again. Her bottom lip looked okay, but it was the top one that was the problem. How was she supposed to make the weird shape? She was nearly finished when she must have pressed too hard – the stick of color bent and then broke clean in two.

Hot tears flooded her eyes. Zoey wasted no time angrily shoving a stack of books off her dresser and onto the floor.

Nate paused his game. “Little Zebra, you okay?” he asked, his voice raised a little to be heard through her closed bedroom door.

Jay’s door creaked open, and then there was the sound of her two older brothers murmuring. She couldn’t make out what they were saying, but after a moment, the sound of footsteps filled the air followed by two quiet knocks on her closed door. Jay peeked in. He raised his eyebrows when he saw her. “What’s going on in here, huh? Did you enter yourself in a beauty pageant I didn’t know about? You don’t gotta put makeup on, cause you’re taking home first fucking prize even without it.”

Zoey huffed impatiently at him and tried unsuccessfully to keep her tears in her eyes.

“Hey, no,” Jay muttered, going in to sit on her bed. He had to clear a space for himself, moving one of the three dresses on her quilt out of the way. “Come here.” He tugged her into his lap and swiped a tear off her cheek. “What’s the matter?”

“Don’t laugh,” she instructed.

“I won’t.”

She gave him a look of disbelief.

“Little Zee, I won’t laugh. Promise.”

“Okay. You know Thomas from school?”

“Ohhh, is this a date?” Jay asked, smiling a little.

“The Christmas dance is tonight, and he asked me to go with him. I said yes.”

“Aw,” Jay grinned.

“No, it’s bad. I look awful. I broke my lipstick, and I-” She sniffed and ducked her head, not wanting him to see her cry.

“Oh, Little Zee. You don't look awful, you look fucking adorable. You want me to try?”

Zoey shook her head. “It’s hopeless. I should tell him I’m sick and I’m not going.”

“Hey, and leave your date with a broken heart on the night of the Christmas dance? I don’t think so. Let me see what I can do.”

“You can’t fix it,” she told him sadly.

“Not me. Hang on.” He disappeared from her room and then reappeared a moment later with a pretty girl. “Celeste, this is my baby sister Little Zee. Little Zee, this is Celeste.”

Zoey sniffled, straightening up a little. “Hi,” she said shyly. Then she looked at Jay questioningly.

“Celeste went to beauty school,” he told her, “and she has a whole bag of makeup right here.”

The girl held it up for proof. “Is it okay if I help?” she asked.

Zoey wiped her eyes and smiled hopefully. “Yeah."

“Okay,” the girl said warmly. “Jay, babe, can you get some tissues?”

Twenty minutes passed and not only did Zoey have a little bit of lip gloss, a touch of eyeliner, and a bit of mascara on, but the girl also gave her a simple but pretty braided bun. The duo decided on the long red dress, and then they called Jay back in.

“Wowwwww,” Jay smiled. “Very nice.”

“I have to go now or I’m gonna miss the bus,” Zoey told him.

“Hang on, hang on. I gotta take a picture of you.”

She groaned. “Jay!”

“Hang the fuck on!” He dashed into his room for the camera and then came back. He took a couple pictures and then called for Nate. “Here, Celeste, can you take some of the three of us?”

“Really quick,” Zoey told her.

They all posed together, and then Zoey was off. She rushed out the door and down the apartment steps to the bus stop, clicking all the way in her two-inch heels. She was surprised when Jay and Nate followed to the bottom of the stairs, but she knew something weird was going on when they started following her through the parking lot. “What the hell are you doing?” she asked.

“You think we’re gonna let you go on a date without meeting this guy first?” Jay asked. Nate nodded in solidarity. 

“No, don’t!” she pleaded, stopping in her tracks. “You’re going to scare him off.”

“We won’t,” Nate said. “Just wanna make sure he’s not an asshole.”

“He’s not,” Zoey replied, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Yeah, well. We need to see for our fucking selves, right Nate?”

“Right.”

Zoey scowled. “Fuck you two.”

“Hoo! Feisty!” Jay cried. Both boys dissolved into laughter and shared a high-five. They'd taught their little sister well.

She rolled her eyes as she resumed her brisk walk to the bus stop. There were already a few people there, and at a second glance, she could see Thomas waiting in a suit. She smiled to herself; he looked extra cute.

He gave her a wave, and then behind her, she heard Nate whisper to Jay, “Is that him?”

“I guess. He looks a little shrimpy.”

Nate knocked him in the stomach with his elbow. “He’s like eleven, you jerk. Of course he’s shrimpy. They’re in the sixth grade.”

“Yeah, well,” Jay grumbled, rubbing at the spot where Nate had hit him. He jogged forward in front of Zoey, and Nate followed suit.

“Hey!” she cried, already frustrated. “Stop it, you two! I said _stop_!” But they ignored her. She chased after them.

“You must be Thomas,” Jay said, walking authoritatively up to the boy. “I’m Zoey’s guardian. How do you do?”

Nate held out his hand. “I’m Nate. This is Jay. We’re Little Zee’s big brothers.”

The boy cautiously shook Nate’s hand and then Jay’s who, by then, had his hand stuck out as well.

“Nice to… meet you?” Thomas asked. Zoey would have laughed if she weren’t so embarrassed.

“Now, how are your grades?” Jay inquired.

“Um… they’re pretty good. I got an A in language arts with Miss Smith last quarter.”

“Good, good,” Jay replied, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “Do you play any sports?”

“I’m on the soccer team.”

“Oh yeah? What do you play?”

Zoey pushed between Nate and Jay and glared at her oldest brother. “Will you leave him alone?”

“No, Little Zee, I will not. I need to know his intentions.”

“Well, we’re gonna go to the dance,” Thomas offered, trying to quell any argument that might have been starting.

“And this dance will be properly chaperoned?” Jay inquired.

“Um, yes. Sir,” Thomas added quickly as an afterthought.

Nate grinned.

“And after this… dance?” Jay asked, playing a little now that he had what he wanted.

“My mom said she’s going to pick us up. And then we’re going to get ice cream.”

“We are?” asked Zoey happily.

Thomas looked at Jay and stuttered, “If – if that’s okay.”

Jay looked to his brother. “What do you think, Nate?”

Nate stared Thomas down. “Have her home by ten.”

“Ten thirty,” Zoey corrected.

“Ten fifteen,” Jay decided, “and not a moment later.”

“Yes, sir.”

Thankfully, the bus pulled up just then, and Zoey quickly disappeared up the steps and around the corner.

“My little girl’s all grown up,” Jay cried dramatically.

“Oh no, Little Zebra, run before he starts crying,” Nate advised, shaking his head at Jay’s antics.

“Nate, hold me!” Jay cried, flinging his arms around his little brother.

“Zoey, _go,_ ” Nate called, waving the bus on. “Go!”

Zoey took a seat by the window, and Thomas sat down next to her. They waited for the bus to start, trying to ignore Nate and Jay, but Jay started blowing overdramatic kisses at Zoey. She wasted no time showing him her middle finger. Still, neither Nate nor Jay missed the small smile on their little sister's face.


	16. Of Fistfights and Foster Homes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter I've done of The B Side. I've written 21 so far, and this is hands down my favorite.
> 
>  
> 
> Prompt: I would like to see fifteen year old Nate harbouring some deep anger over family issues and finally release the anger by fighting a classmate who has been talking shit to/about him and his family.
> 
> Zoey is 11, Nate is 15, and Jay is 22. This "incident" has been mentioned twice, both in TTSP. Zoey talks about it briefly with the social worker, and Jay thinks about it when he sees Nate on the boardwalk and wonders whether he's crying. This is about all three kids but seen through the eyes of the middle Kulina. Heads up, though; it's a little dark.

“There’s Kulina,” one of the boys hissed. Nate hadn’t even been able to tell who it was, but he shot a stony glare toward the whole group. 

“Hey, Nate,” called the leader. It took a moment for Nate to place him, but he was pretty sure his name was Paul. “You fucking your new foster sister?”

“Are you fucking your foster _mom_?” Paul’s best friend yelled. The gaggle of guys laughed. Two of them slapped a high-five.

Nate rolled his eyes and did his best to shake it off. He set his tray at an empty table and sat down alone. He couldn’t believe people actually had the nerve to tease him about his broken family; what fucking assholes. 

It was Wednesday and the first day since all the chaos that Nate had been allowed to attend school, which was why these guys – who weren’t even his friends! – were laying into him. He’d had to deal with CPS yanking him from Jay’s, worrying ceaselessly about Zoey getting hit (or worse) at her new house, and stressing about how Jay was doing with his sense of purpose taken away. He had no idea who’d snitched about Jay taking care of them instead of Dad, but he was more than pissed.

Monday morning was when Child Protective Services showed up at the apartment. The kids were getting ready for school, and Jay was sleeping, catching up on rest after a late night shift at the restaurant. The knock at the door had been sharp and official. Nate immediately sent Zoey to wake Jay. 

The social workers took all the kids to separate rooms for interviews. Each of the Kulina siblings told them lie after lie, but nothing seemed to work. Zoey burst into tears on the sofa, and Jay, who was in his room, quickly stood up to go comfort her (at eleven, she was too old for an outburst like that to mean nothing). The head CPS officer stopped him. “She’s fine,” he said.

Jay swallowed. “Please, can I just go see her?”

“No.”

Another half hour ticked by, and Nate and Zoey were each told to pack a bag. Zoey sniffled the whole time, trying to be tough, but Nate stopped halfway through to go hold her. She whimpered hopelessly against his chest.

Nate was walked out to the van first, and he just couldn’t keep the tears in. Jay kissed him on the cheek and whispered, “I love you.”

“You, too,” Nate replied brokenly.

“I’ll get you home before you know it,” Jay promised. 

Nate nodded solemnly.

Zoey threw her arms around his shoulders, and he picked her up even though she was far too old. She sobbed softly into his neck and squeezed him hard. 

No words were exchanged between the two – their sorrow and fear were much too deep.

Nate tried to smile at his siblings when the social workers told him he needed to put his sister down and get into the van, but that just made the tears come faster. Zoey looked terrified, and Jay looked so anguished that Nate felt like his heart was being cleaved in two.

He didn’t even want to imagine the screaming and crying that had gone on when they had to drag Zoey away from Jay. Oh, god, he could feel her panic. It was too much; he'd never felt like this before. He hid his face in his hands and silently cried. 

Monday afternoon, he arrived at the foster home and met two other boys. One was another foster kid, and the other was the parents’ biological kid. The guys grudgingly cleared a space for him to sleep. Nate said a quiet word of thanks and stayed out of their way as much as possible. Despite there being three teenage boys and two adults, dinner was nearly silent. Afterwards, Nate did the chores that were demanded of him but otherwise kept to himself.

Miraculously, Nate was the youngest of all three kids in the house. The older foster kid was seventeen and seemed to have experienced some sort of abuse – he stayed entirely silent and alone. The other kid Nate recognized as a popular football player from school, and Nate was positive that the guy knew him too, but they didn’t acknowledge each other with anything more than a nod. It was better that way. Easier. 

All three boys shared a room, which was a pain in the ass, but Nate was used to sleeping through Jay’s snores and sleep talk in tight apartments, so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He swallowed hard, buried his face in his pillow, and managed not to cry that night.

Tuesday started off with a cold, leaky shower. The rest of the day was filled with lots of police officers and social workers asking him an immeasurable amount of questions. The words _neglect_ , _custody_ , _abuse,_ and _safety_ were thrown around far too often for Nate’s liking. Still, he did his best to keep his cool. Any angry outbursts would surely prompt more questions and a longer stay away from his brother and sister.

But thank god for Wednesday – Nate never would have believed that he’d be so glad to be at school. But suddenly, school had become his sanctuary. It was the only place where anything was predictable. It was also the only place he knew he was going to be able to eat. 

Nate dug unceremoniously into his pepperoni pizza. His fingers were greasy, but his belly was satisfied. He had been forced to go without breakfast that morning, so even though Alvey would have killed him, Nate allowed himself four slices instead of just three. He inhaled them – he had to book it through lunch if he was going to sneak over to the middle school in time to see Zoey.

He shoved the last of the crust into his mouth, wrapped a handful of carrot sticks in a napkin, and stuffed four chocolate chip cookies into his sweatshirt pocket. (Two to share with Little Zebra and two for himself for later.) 

Nate jogged to the middle school, careful to keep the dessert from tumbling out of his pocket. The middle school only had oatmeal raisin on Wednesdays, and Nate knew that chocolate chip cookies were a major comfort food for his little sister.

“Hey,” he breathed as they crashed into each other. They hugged hard and desperately.

“I missed you so much,” she said. She was in clothes he didn’t recognize, and she definitely hadn’t washed her hair in a while.

“I missed you, too. Are you okay?”

She shrugged, looking away. “Yeah, I guess. Are you?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Are they feeding you?”

“Sometimes.”

“Yeah, me too.” He reached into his pocket. “Hey, I, uh. I brought you something. It’s not too special, it’s just from the cafeteria, but-”

Her eyes widened when she saw the cookie in the napkin. “Thank you,” she said. There was so much sincerity in her tone that Nate gave her the one he was going to eat himself. 

“Is your new family nice?” she inquired around a big bite.

“They’re not my new family, Little Zebra,” he told her, giving her a nudge on the cheek with his knuckles, "but they’re not bad. What about yours?”

Zoey shrugged, looking away. 

“What?” Nate asked, his tone darker. 

She looked up at Nate with teary eyes. “I got hit twice already.”

“Fuck,” Nate breathed.

“I didn’t even do anything wrong,” she said urgently.

He hugged her. “I know. I know. I believe you.”

“It’s the mom. The dad seems okay, he’s kinda nice. But she’s so mean. She smacks all of us.”

“How many kids are there?”

“They have three real ones, and then there’s me and two other girls. It’s four girls and two boys.” 

“Are you the oldest?” 

“No, they have a real daughter who’s thirteen.”

“I’m the youngest at my house,” he offered.

Zoey raised her eyebrows and took another bite of her cookie. “Really?”

“Yep. All boys. You know Carter Thompson from the football team?”

She nodded. _E_ _verybody_ knew Carter. He was a senior. He was quiet, but he had a lot of friends and was consistently a great player. 

“It’s his family. Him and his parents and another foster kid who’s seventeen.” 

They fell quiet. 

“I fucking miss Jay,” Nate sighed. 

Zoey looked up at her brother, comforted more than she could express. It meant so much to have someone in this with her. A lump formed in her throat. “Me, too,” she whispered. She leaned into him, and he wrapped a firm arm around her shoulders.

“You know you can call him on the school phone,” Nate reminded. 

“I know, but I’ll cry,” she said sadly. "I don’t want him to worry.” 

Nate nodded. “Okay. I’ll try to talk to him today, alright? I’ll tell him you’re okay.”

Zoey nodded and snuggled deeper into his chest. Nate rested his chin on top of her head.

“Do you think we’ll ever get to go home?” she asked. 

“Hey. Course we will,” Nate said, giving her shoulder a squeeze and trying to sound like Jay. He always knew exactly what to tell his little siblings. “We’ll be back with Jay before you know it.”

Zoey nodded, trying to believe him. She was about to speak when the shrill bell rang, signaling that the middle schoolers had two minutes to get to their class.

“No,” she pleaded, a soft sob escaping her. 

“I’ll come back tomorrow,” Nate said, knowing that nothing else would comfort her.

“Promise?” she asked. 

“I promise,” he replied, wiping a tear from her cheek. “Hang in there, okay?” 

They stood up, and she hugged him tightly around his middle. He kissed the top of her head.

“Be good, Little Zebra.” 

“I love you,” she called over her shoulder.

He gave her a small wave. “You, too.” 

As soon as she was out of view, he glanced down at his watch. Fuck. He was going to be marked late for fifth period. He sighed and decided to take his time walking back. His stomach ached a little from trying to process four oily pieces of pizza at once, so he took a bite of a carrot in hopes that it would calm it.

Nate went to his locker and retrieved his backpack and his math textbook, and he slid into class as quietly as possible. He was seven minutes late, and Mrs. Simpson gave him a bit of a glare. He ducked his head and quickly opened his notebook.

Nate was a middle-of-the-classroom kind of guy, but Paul and two of the guys that had messed with him during lunch sat two rows behind him. Nate could hear them whispering back and forth, but he was only catching snatches here and there until the ringleader threw a wad of crumpled up paper at him. 

Nate blew a sharp breath out of his nose but didn’t turn around.

“Hey, Kulina! Brian said you were crying at lunch,” Paul teased. “He said you were crying cause your family doesn’t love you anymore.”

Nate had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He glanced up at Mrs. Simpson – she didn’t seem to be at all aware of what was going on. Not that he needed her help, but it would have been nice to have her shut them up for him.

“Why doesn’t your family love you? Huh? Is it cause you lost your fight last week? I heard that guy from San Fransisco beat your ass."

Nate shut his eyes and discreetly cracked his knuckles. 

“Everybody knows your brother’s certifiable and your dad’s a washed up head case. And Brian said he saw you today with your wittle sister,” the best friend pouted. “Said you two were having a good cry cause you got taken away from home.” 

“We could foster her at my house,” Paul grinned, nudging his friends. “I could show her a real good time.” 

That had Nate seeing red. He was out of his chair in a heartbeat. He took two brief steps towards the punk and punched him so hard across the face that he heard a bone crack. Nate hadn’t thrown one that hard in weeks.

“She’s _eleven_ , you fucking _pervert,_ ” Nate spat, satisfied at the blood already streaming from the guy’s nose. He turned to Paul’s friends. “Either of you motherfuckers got anything else to say about my family?” he demanded. 

“Nate,” Mrs. Simpson said sharply, breaking him slightly from his rage. She looked genuinely surprised and disappointed in him. “Go to the front office. Now. And Paul, go to the nurse.”

Nate’s foster parents were called, which was awkward as hell. They gave a half-assed attempt at lecturing him on the way back to the house, but it was clear that they didn’t really care. “You’re doing all the dishes by yourself tonight,” his foster dad told him, but there was no force in his voice.

“Yes, sir,” Nate mumbled. Still, he didn’t regret his actions – not at all. It had felt so good to get a little bit of the anger out.

Within an hour, one of the CPS agents showed up to talk to him about “acting out at school,” which was apparently what he’d done because he felt “abandoned and scared.”

Okay, well maybe he _did_ feel abandoned and scared, not that he would ever admit that. But that wasn’t why he threw the right hook. If _any_ body talked about Zoey like that on _any_ day, they would have gotten punched. She wasn't there to stand up for herself, but more importantly, she was just a kid, goddammit. He guessed it didn't help that Paul and his idiot friends talked about Dad and Jay to add fuel to the fire, though.

“Well, Nate, the school’s decided to suspend you tomorrow," the social worker sighed, reading an email that had come through on his laptop.

Nate blinked. “No,” he pleaded. “No, no, I’ve got to go to school. I promised my sister.” 

“You promised your sister what?” the agent asked. The siblings weren’t supposed to have any contact.

“Fuck,” Nate hissed. He put his head in his hands. He was trapped.

“Nate,” the social worker began, but Nate had already snapped. He'd been working with too thin a thread as it was.

“I promised her I’d go see her, okay? She’s scared out of her fucking mind. Last time we did this, she was still too young to really understand. But this time she gets it, and she – I’ve never seen her like this, and it’s freaking me out.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s usually the happiest kid. But she looks completely fucking hopeless.” Nate sighed. “Look, she told me all the kids at that house are getting hit,” he confessed, not caring about the consequences. “I can’t have her apart from me. She’s already not with Jay, which is bad enough, but she can’t be alone. She can’t be. I can’t let that happen. Jay takes great care of us, so I don't even know why the fuck this is happening. He's 22! It's fine!" Nate sighed. "The three of us? We’re all we’ve got.”

The social worker looked at Nate for a long moment. Then he reached into his pocket. “Let me make a phone call, okay?”

Nate nodded and dropped his head back into his hands. “Fuck.” 

Ten minutes later, Nate was back in the social worker’s van. There were no words exchanged, no hint as to where he was going. Nate didn’t dare get his hopes up until the van was in parked in front of the gym. 

Nate tore out of the vehicle and rushed inside. Jay was there waiting for him.

“Hey,” Jay breathed. “Oh, fuck. Fuck, Nate. Are you okay? Fuck, I’m so sorry, man. I’m so sorry.” 

Jay held him tightly, crying a little and kissing his hair over and over again. Nate felt so safe and comforted that he had to hold his breath to keep from crying himself. Jay was squeezing him so hard he felt like he could burst, but he never wanted his big brother to let go.

“Nate, I’m so sorry. I'm so sorry, man. I swear, I’m gonna do every fucking thing I can to make this right.” 

“Jay!” a voice cried, and there was Zoey, running toward her brothers like she hadn’t seen them in a fucking year. 

When Jay saw Zoey coming, he let go of Nate and bent his knees, opening his arms for her. She smashed into him and let herself sob into his tank top. “Don’t let them take us away,” she gasped, her little nails digging into his shoulders. “Please, Jay, please. I wanna stay with you and Nate. Don't let them take me! Please, I'll do anything!" She was hysterical, crying so hard that breathing was nearly impossible. 

Jay stood up with Zoey in one arm, and he wrapped Nate in the other. The three siblings stood together for a long, wonderful moment. Nate leaned his head on Jay's shoulder and squeezed an arm around Zoey, and Jay kissed his hair again. He tried to stay calm, but it was hard when his heart was breaking as he listened to his baby sister sobbing and begging so desperately.

“Nate,” came another voice. 

Nate let go of his brother and sister, stood up straight, and walked toward his father.

“Come with me,” Alvey said, motioning him into the locker room. Nate thought it was a little strange how Alvey completely ignored his daughter, but after a moment of thought, he realized that Alvey ignored his daughter pretty often anyway. Nate fought a grimace. 

Alvey locked the door behind them. Then he turned to his son. “What did I tell you? What the fuck did I say about fighting outside the cage?” he growled.

Nate looked away.

Alvey slammed his palm into a locker, and the loud bang made Nate jump. “Huh?” he yelled. “What the fuck did I say?!” 

“Not – not to,” Nate stuttered. He looked at his shoes but tried to keep Alvey in his peripherals. 

“Look at me,” Alvey instructed harshly. “Fucking look at me.” When Nate obeyed, Alvey spat, “You _animal_. You’re going to get us all in more trouble.”

Nate swallowed.

Just then, Jay called from the other side of the door. “Alvey. Fucking unlock this door.”

“Go away.” 

“Stop yelling at Nate and unlock the fucking door," he urged. "You’re the only one causing problems.”

Alvey shook his head at Nate, disgusted, and did as Jay said. “His parents are gonna fucking sue me,” Alvey said to Nate on their way out.

Jay caught Nate in another hug, but Nate wasn’t interested. He just wanted to be alone. 

“Jay?” one of the social workers called. “May I speak with you?”

Zoey hopped up on Nate’s back, and they were silent, trying desperately to eavesdrop on the conversation that was happening around the corner.

After a pause, Zoey whispered, “We can go home.”

“What?” 

“He said, ‘Due to the reaction of the children and your passing the home inspection, we’re going to let them go home with you.’” 

Nate squeezed her ankles. “Thank fucking god.” 

"Thank you," they heard the CPS officer say. "We'll be in touch."

“Monkeys!” Jay called as he walked back into view. “Who wants bacon and pancakes for dinner?” 

Nate cracked a small smile. Maybe Wednesday wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	17. Menarche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoey is 11, Nate is 15, and Jay is 22

Zoey woke to a sticky feeling on her thighs. She’d stayed home from school the day before because she’d had a strange stomach ache. Jay hadn’t wanted her to stay, but she burst into tears, which was so unlike her that he changed his mind and tucked her back into bed.

She’d been irritable all day, but she hadn’t thrown up. It wasn’t that kind of pain. Jay kept feeling her forehead, expecting her to be feverish, but she never was. Still, she insisted that her stomach was hurting. Jay half-thought she was faking sick because the kids at school were being mean to her again, but when she didn’t come out for dinner, he knew something was really wrong.

She’d fallen asleep around 8pm, and she woke up at 4am feeling even stranger. She woke up and walked slowly to the bathroom, clutching lightly at her stomach through her 101 Dalmatians t-shirt. She sat down on the toilet, pulled her shorts down, and – 

Fuck.

There was a big pool of crimson blood in her underwear. Zoey clasped her hand over her mouth. She was frozen in terror. What the fuck was happening? Was this was internal bleeding was? But this was coming _out._ She only knew one thing – this wasn’t good.

Zoey peed and wiped – more blood came off on the toilet paper. She put pressure on it like Jay taught her even though she couldn’t feel a wound, but even after several minutes, the blood was still coming. 

She was so scared she had tears in her eyes. She quickly washed her hands and then ran through the small apartment to Nate’s room. 

“Nate, Nate, wake up,” she begged, bursting through the door and shaking her big brother’s shoulder.

He was annoyed for a moment, but as soon as he sensed her distress, he sat up. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m dying,” she told him urgently, starting to cry.

“What?” he asked. “You’re dying?” He leaned over and turned on his lamp. “Hey, no, don’t cry. Tell me what’s wrong.” 

She gave him a worried look.

“What?” 

“It’s… it’s…”

“What, Zo?”

“I’m bleeding and it won’t stop,” she told him. She was embarrassed, but she had to tell him.

"What happened? Let me see," he said worriedly.

She just shook her head.

"How am I supposed to help you if you won't let me see what happened?"

"I just can't, okay?" she said, voice rising in defensiveness. "It's... it's private."

“Wait... Little Zebra, where are you bleeding?" he asked suspiciously.

She ducked her head and reluctantly pointed. “Nate, I don’t want to die,” she whimpered, voice wavering.

Nate huffed a laugh. “You’re not gonna die.”

“Promise?” she asked, unconsciously pouting.

“I promise. Come on, we need to go see Jay.” 

“Now? We’re not s’posed to wake him up.” 

“I know, but this is important. Come on.”

Nate held his hand out to her, something he hadn’t done in a few years. (When he turned 12, he said it wasn't cool anymore.) She took it, and they walked a few feet over to Jay’s room. Nate opened the door and gave Zoey a push in.

“Jay,” he said loudly. “Jay, wake up.” 

“What time is it?” Jay grumbled, still half asleep.

“It’s four thirty,” Nate told him. “You need to get up, though. Zoey just got her period.”

“My what?” Zoey asked, still a little teary.

“Aww, my girl,” Jay said, sitting up and yawning. 

“I’m going back to bed,” Nate announced. He gave Zoey a light punch on the shoulder. “Congrats, Little Zee. You’re a woman now.” He closed the door behind himself, and Zoey turned back to Jay.

“I’m not dying?” she sniffled.

Jay laughed just as Nate had. “No, babe, you’re not dying. Come here.” He pushed the covers off and led her into his bathroom. He crouched down and opened the cabinet. He fished around for a moment before producing a white package. “Lisa told me to buy this for you last year. Said you’d need it, and she was right.”

“What is it?”

“They’re called pads. They go in your panties.”

Zoey wrinkled her nose. “Why?”

Jay rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “Um… It stops the blood from making a mess, I guess. It absorbs it, kind of like a paper towel.” 

Zoey’s eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“Here, let’s just open it and see.”

The wrapping made a funny crinkling noise as Jay pulled it apart. Zoey watched with wide eyes as he unveiled a puffy, white thing. “It’s soft,” she observed.

“Yeah. Do you want to try it?” 

“Okay,” Zoey whispered nervously. “I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll wait for you,” Jay smiled. 

Zoey closed the door with a quiet snick. She went to her dresser, grabbed a new pair of underwear, and went back to the bathroom she shared with Nate. She took a moment to kick the blood-soaked panties to the floor and wiggle the clean underwear up to her knees. Zoey’s hands trembled slightly as she peeled the backing off the pad. She stuck out the tip of her tongue in concentration as she centered the pad and pressed it into her panties.

She peed a little more, and when she wiped, the toilet paper came off with still more blood. She felt defeated. 

She pulled her underwear up and put her shorts back on. It took her a few steps to get used to having the pad between her legs, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as she’d been expecting. She washed her hands and headed back to Jay. 

“How long is it going to last?” she asked as she came through the door.

“I don't know; everybody's different. But probably less than a week.”

“A week?!” she exclaimed. Her bottom lip trembled. “Can I stay home from school?”

Jay chuckled softly and held a hand out to her. “No, monkey. But we’ll call Lisa in the morning and she’ll tell you all about it, okay?”

She nodded. “Okay. Can I stay with you?” 

“Of course. I figured you’d want to.” He scooted over a foot or so in his bed to make room for his little sister. She settled easily into his side and snuggled into his chest. Jay draped an arm over her body and tugged the blankets up the way she liked them.

“Jay?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yeah?” 

“Am... am I gonna get big boobs overnight?” 

Jay barked out a laugh. “No! I certainly fucking hope not. I’ve never heard of that happening.”

“What Nate said… I’m a woman now cause I got my period? I don’t wanna be!”

“No, Little Zee. All that stuff takes time.” 

“Promise?” 

“I _swear_. Now go to sleep. We gotta get up for school in two hours.” 

“I really have to go?” she asked, almost whining. 

“Yes, you really have to go. Close your eyes. Sleep. It’s so fucking late.” 

Quiet fell. Slow minutes ticked by. Zoey was drifting to sleep tucked under Jay’s arm, but Jay couldn’t stop thinking about how Nate was right – Zoey really _was_ growing up. She was in junior high. She could wear make-up and high heels if she wanted. She could conceive a fucking _child_. Jay shook his head, and the motion had Zoey stirring.

“Shh, sorry,” he whispered. 

“Sorry if I get blood on your bed.”

“It’s okay. I’ll do laundry tomorrow.” 


	18. First Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nate's 15. He's a sophomore.  
> Based on a prompt from a sweet, creative anon on Tumblr :)

**Saturday**

“I’m not – I’m not fucking doing that. No fucking way,” Nate protested. He was pissed and uncomfortable, but mostly he was anxious. Who would have thought that the “coolest” guys at school were going to haze him? 

“Come on,” James drawled, lying back against the arm of the couch. “You gotta. All the rest of us did it.”

“I’m not fucking gay,” Nate spat.

“Well neither am I, princess, but if you’re gonna hang out with us, you gotta prove you’re serious. We don’t let just anyone into this group. And it’d be real awkward if it didn’t work out between us and we had to uh. Say, pull your kid sister into this. What’s her name? Chelsea? Annie? Oh, that’s right – Zoey. Little Zoey Kulina.”

Nate nearly growled. “Fine,” he grumbled.

He grabbed Jacob by the front of his t-shirt and mashed their lips together. He pushed the guy roughly away and turned back to James. “There, you happy?” he asked. 

James nodded. “Yup.” He held up two Xbox games and asked the group, “Okay. Call of Duty or Halo?”

 

 

 

**Monday**

“Jacob, wait up,” Nate called. It was loud, but there was no way Jacob hadn't heard him. “Jacob. Hey.” 

The boy turned.

“Look, I’m sorry about this weekend,” Nate said. 

People pushed past him on their way to class, all elbows and backpacks. The hallways at this school were too fucking narrow. 

“It’s fine,” Jacob responded quietly. 

“No, it’s not. I had no idea James was such an asshole.” 

“Yeah, well. He’s… you get used to it.”

Nate didn’t really know what to say, so the two boys were left staring at each other in silence.

“Do you, uh. You wanna sit together at lunch?” Jacob asked.

Nate nodded. “Uh, okay. Okay, yeah. That sounds good.”

Jacob blushed. “Alright,” he murmured happily. “I'll see you then. Bye, Nate.”

"Bye."

The taller boy disappeared towards his French class, and Nate stepped back until his spine was pressed against a locker. He put a hand over his eyes. Oh, fuck.

 

 

 

 **The next Thursday**  

Nate had hung around school to catch James playing in the varsity baseball game. It was the fourth inning when Jacob suggested they go get a Gatorade at the snack bar. Somehow, nearly forty minutes had passed and they were still sitting side by side, "cooling off" in the empty science hallway. 

They'd been talking about everything and nothing when Jacob softly confessed, “I… I really like you, Nate. I know you’re not gay or anything, but I just have to tell you. You’re so sweet, and you make me feel so happy.”

Nate looked away, troubled.

“What’s wrong?” Jacob asked. “Are you… Do you not want to hang out anymore?” 

Nate sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “No, it’s not that.” 

“Well then what?” 

“It’s just. Okay, look, you have to swear not to tell anyone. Fucking _anyone_ , okay?”

“Okay,” Jacob said, seemingly intrigued. Nate was a really private guy, and for him to start a sentence like that was more exciting than Jacob would ever have admitted. 

“I’m serious, Jacob, this could ruin my _life._ Swear.”

“Okay, I swear. I won’t tell anyone.” 

Nate could see the sincerity in his favorite friend’s eyes. Now that he had his promise, he had to work up the courage to actually spill. “Um, okay. Um…” 

“Just tell me,” Jacob said. 

Nate swallowed and then blurted, “I like you, too.”

Jacob grinned. He cradled Nate’s chin in his hand and gently kissed him on the lips. Jacob broke the kiss, and Nate prayed for more.

“I was wondering…" Jacob began. "I thought sometimes you looked at me too long. But I wasn’t sure.”

“Yeah,” Nate mumbled, his eyes still on Jacob’s mouth.

“What, you want another one?” Jacob laughed. 

Nate nodded, his cheeks turning pink.

“You can have all the kisses you want,” Jacob told him, and pressed his lips back on Nate’s.

For the first time in a long time, Nate felt happy.


	19. Crash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jay's 25, Nate's 18, and Zoey's 14. Thanks to the anon for the prompt! I loved this one.  
> Tell me if you catch the Jonas Brothers reference ;)

It was cramped in the apartment, and the rain was keeping Jay and Zoey trapped inside. Nate had borrowed Jay’s car and gone out with some friends, so there was no way to leave anyway, but the two siblings were making the best of it. 

“Go fish,” Zoey said for the millionth time. Then she put her cards down. “Let’s play something else.” 

“Like what?” Jay said, his hand still halfway to the draw pile. “I was getting really fucking close to beating your little ass.” 

“Slapjack?” she suggested. 

“Oh, you’re on,” Jay told her. He grabbed the cards together and handed her the deck to shuffle. Zoey did her best and then handed it back to Jay, who bridge shuffled and threw playful taunts at her while he dealt.

The two played round after round. Zoey laughed joyfully like Jay hadn’t heard in so long. Swear words bubbled out of her throat between her giggles. 

“Stop cussing or you’re gonna lose,” he warned her, but he was grinning. 

“Shut up, I’m doing awesome!”

He shook his head. “Oh, Little Zee. What are we gonna do with you?” 

“Just Zee,” she reminded.

“That’s right. Zee. Sorry,” he smiled. He’d only said it to see if she’d correct him. He was a little sad when she had. Still, he kept flipping cards over as quickly as he could.

Zoey flipped over another Jack, and both their hands smacked the card, but Zoey’s was underneath.

“Ha!” she crowed. “I win!” 

“Yeah, but I’m still one ahead of you,” he reminded her. 

“Rematch!” she cried. “I’m gonna tie you and then I’m going to win for real.” 

“You think you can win three times in a row?” Jay challenged.

“Fuck yeah. Deal the cards.”

A moment after they started the next round, Jay’s flip phone vibrated on the table. Even upside-down, Zoey could read “ALVEY” stamped across the front of Jay’s little screen.

“Ignore it,” he told her, and they continued playing. As soon as the ringing stopped though, it started up again. Jay sighed. He instructed, “Hang on. And no fucking cheating!” 

Zoey stuck her tongue out at him as he picked up the phone.

He stuck his out back. “Hello?”

“Hey. You need to come to the hospital. Right now.”

Jay paled. “What the fuck happened, is it Nate?”

“Yeah. He was in a car accident.” 

“Oh, fuck,” Jay breathed. 

Zoey couldn’t hear, but she was looking at her brother with worried eyes.

“Well what, is he okay?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know. They just fucking called me. But get your sister and get down here. It sounded really bad. They’re at Larkin, so just. Just get down here.” 

“Fuck, okay. We’re on our way.” 

Jay hung up and immediately stood up. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Zoey asked worriedly.

“Uh, they don’t know,” Jay told her distractedly. “But he’s gonna be fine. He’ll be fine.” 

Zoey could tell that her big brother was lying, but she stayed close behind him as they jogged down the steps and hurried to the bus stop. While they stood there, instead of chatting and joking back and forth like they normally did, they were silent. They watched the cars go by and kick up mist.

It was a short bus ride to Larkin Community Hospital, but it should have been shorter. No one in California knew how to drive in rain, let alone crazy heavy rain and a thunderstorm.

“It’s okay,” Jay kept saying over and over, “it’s okay, it’s okay. We’ll get there. It’s okay.”

Zoey wove their fingers together and squeezed, and he smiled at her sadly but gratefully. She spent the rest of the bus ride with her head on his shoulder.

When they got off the bus, they still had a five minute walk to the hospital, but they made it in less than four. They rushed into the ER soaking wet. Alvey stood when he saw them. Jay nodded at him and eyed him tiredly. “Have they said anything?”

“Yeah. He was driving your truck with two other kids in it. He fucking crashed.” 

“I don’t give a damn about the truck,” Jay spat. “Is he okay?”

“Why the hell was he driving your car?” Alvey asked loudly.

“Oh my god, Dad, he wanted to go to a fucking movie! The kid never asks for fucking anything – _anything_! So of course I said yes. It doesn’t matter, I just want to know if I’m ever fucking gonna see him again.”

Zoey’s eyes widened.

Jay immediately turned to Zoey as soon as his mind caught up with what his mouth had said. His eyes were wide and his voice shook. “He’s gonna be fine,” he told her, but Zoey just silently turned and walked out the doors. 

Nate could die? He could _die?_ He was in a car accident and he’d been driving? This was bad, this was really bad.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she took a seat on a bench in the rain. She didn’t care that she was getting even more drenched – she just wanted to be alone. And of course, for Nate to be okay. 

Thunder rumbled overhead, and Zoey realized that she and Jay had been joking about Nate when the storm started. He and his friends had gone to see a horror movie, and Jay made a crack about how Nate was going to be more afraid of the thunder than of the scary movie. 

She started really crying then. She wasn’t ready to lose her best friend. Nate was everything to her, and god knew this family couldn’t take another loss. Mom was gone, Gramma died, Jay took the kids from Dad, and now Nate might be gone overnight. Zoey couldn’t stand even the thought of it.

She was angry when she saw Jay approaching her, but she needed him so badly regardless. He squatted down in front of her instead of sitting next to her. 

“I thought it was a white lie,” she told him before he could even open his mouth. “I thought he broke his arm or something and he’d be fine. I didn’t know it was that bad.” 

“I know,” Jay told her. “I’m sorry, I just… I didn’t want you to worry.” 

“I’m in high school,” she stated. “You can tell me stuff.”

For some reason, that made Jay get teary again. “I love you so much,” he told her.

She nodded, her own tears still on her cheeks. “I love you, too.”

He reached forward and embraced her. She leaned down and rested her head on his shoulder, letting the rain fall on her back. After a minute, he let go and stood up. “Let’s get you out of the rain, okay? Come on. Don’t want you to catch a cold.”

She wiped her nose with the back of her hand, and they walked up the hill in silence.

One of the nurses saw them shivering and dripping inside, and she brought them each a towel. They both murmured their thanks. Zoey tucked hers around her shoulders, and Jay laid his across her lap.

“No,” she protested, but he silenced her with a shake of his head. She sat back in her chair, tilted her head up, and closed her eyes. It was going to be a long night.

“Zo. Hey, Zoey, wake up.” Alvey was shaking her shoulder. “We can go see him now.”

She blinked a little, disoriented. The room was bright white; where was she? Then it all came back to her – The card games. The phone call from Dad. The panicked bus ride over. Jay and Dad yelling at each other in the waiting room in front of ten other people. 

“Where’s Jay?” she asked.

“He went back there a minute ago.”

“Is Nate okay?”

“Okay enough for us to see him. But I’m gonna take you home after this. They’re gonna keep him overnight and Jay says he wants to stay. You’ve got school tomorrow, though.” 

They followed a nurse down the hall to Nate’s room. He had a black eye and a giant bruise on his forehead, deep cuts all over his face and arms, and sling around his neck and left shoulder. 

Jay was talking to him, but when Alvey and Zoey came in, he smiled weakly at them. “Heyyyy, Little Zebra,” he slurred. 

Zoey rushed toward him, but Alvey grabbed her and held her back. “Gentle. He’s got three broken bones.” 

“Three?”

“I crashed the car,” he told her proudly. 

“I know, I heard. Are you okay?”

“Um. Hurts.” 

She frowned and went around to his right side to kiss his cheek. “I’m sorry.” 

“No don’t be. Everybody’s together. That hasn’t happened in…” He trailed off, unable to remember. It had been nearly a year. It was Christmas, the disastrous dinner at Alvey’s house. Jay vowed never to have a family holiday with his father again. 

Zoey didn’t know what to say, she looked to Jay, who seemed upset.

“Jay, my head hurts,” Nate complained. He sounded like a child. 

Jay rubbed a thumb over the back of his hand. “I know, buddy. You want me to get a nurse?” 

“Nah. She said I can’t have any more meds.” 

“Okay. Tell me if it gets worse, alright?” 

“Alright,” Nate responded softly. He shut his eyes.

“He’s got a concussion,” Jay explained to Zoey. 

“Co – concushhhhhhhh…” Nate muttered.

Zoey watched him worriedly. It wasn’t the first time she’d seen him injured – far from it. But it was the first time she’d seen him so drugged. She didn’t like it at all. She folded her arms around herself, holding onto her own shirt like a hug. 

“Zoey, let’s go home,” Alvey said. 

“No, we just got here. I wanna stay with Jay,” Zoey said. 

“You’re too young.”

“No, I’m not.” 

“No, Zee, he's right. You’re actually too young,” Jay told her softly. “You gotta be eighteen. Hospital rules.”

“Well, I’ll stay in the waiting room! I don’t want to leave!” 

“Lower your voice,” Alvey said sharply. 

“Here, let’s go outside,” Jay said, lightly taking her arm. Over his shoulder, he said to Nate, “I’ll be right back, big guy.”

Once the three sober Kulinas were outside the room, a small argument broke out between them. They were each fighting for what they wanted, unwilling to compromise. Finally, Alvey gave in. 

“Fine! Whatever. Fucking stay here, I don’t care. But don’t call me at four o’clock in the morning to come pick you up when you can’t fucking sleep.” He looked at Jay. “I hate this place. I’m getting the fuck out of here. Tell Nate bye for me.”

Jay sighed and watched his father leave. “Okay,” he said to his sister. He glanced at his watch. “We’ve got like an hour til visiting hours are over. Wanna grab something to eat after that and then we can come back here?” 

Zoey nodded, surprised that Jay wasn’t angrier at Alvey or herself. “Yeah, okay. Sorry about… that. With Dad.”

“It’s fine. Nate just put things into perspective for me today. I don’t want to fight anymore. Ever. Okay?”

Zoey nodded. “Kay.” 

“Alright.”

Staying with Nate consisted of fielding his intoxicated questions, repeatedly reminding him where he was, and watching nurses come in to check on him and take his vitals.

“Nate, I have to go,” Zoey told him sadly when her time was up. 

“Nooooo,” Nate moaned. 

Zoey smiled. “I’ll be outside, okay? They won’t let me stay in here, but I’ll be right there if anything happens.”

“Mmkay,” Nate sighed. “Love you, Little Zebra.” 

Zoey leaned over and kissed his injured head. “Love you, too.”

“I’m gonna take her to grab some food, okay? I’ll be back in a bit. Get some rest.”

“Kay,” he said again. “Jay?”

“Yeah?” 

“Nothing.”

Jay chuckled. “Okay. See you soon.” He shut the door behind them, fondly shaking his head.

“What?” Zoey asked.

“He used to do that when he was a kid. Every goddamn night.” 

Zoey smiled. It was kind of cute. Must have been annoying for Jay though. 

“It was like, part of our routine. It went on for years.”

“I don’t remember that,” Zoey said. 

“Yeah, it stopped a little while after you were born. He just kinda grew out of it, I think. So what do you want?” he asked, changing the subject. “I’ve got like ten bucks.” 

Dinner was stiff hospital food, but it was food regardless. The pair had eaten an early dinner, and it was long after dark. If there was one thing Jay knew about Zoey, it was that that kid could not sleep on an empty stomach. 

He stayed with her in the waiting room until she fell asleep. He let one of the nurses know that he was going back to his brother and to please just keep an eye on anyone approaching her. Then he went back into Nate’s room, where he quickly fell asleep.

At 2:30, there was a knock on the door. Jay jerked awake and went over to open it. The nurses usually just came in and out, so the knock was a little disconcerting. When he opened the door, though, it was Zoey on the other side.

“You okay?” Jay asked, rubbing his eyes. 

“He’s having a bad dream,” Zoey reported. She went to his side and took his hand. “Nate, wake up,” she said. 

“No, let him sleep, Zoey.”

“No, it’s a really bad one." Then back to Nate, "Wake up. It’s okay.”

Nate blinked and took a big breath. Instantly, he winced. “’s going on?” he asked confusedly. 

“You’re in the hospital,” Jay told him calmly, “but you’re gonna be fine.” 

“You were having a bad dream,” Zoey added. 

“Was it the froggy man again?” he slurred.

“No, not me. You,” she smiled. 

His eyes shut. “Oh. Maybe it was the slave drivers then.” 

“What?” Jay asked incredulously, but Nate was already asleep again.

“He’s weird,” Zoey said fondly. She yawned, which made Jay yawn too. “Can I stay in here?” she asked quietly. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“You don’t gotta sleep on the fuckin’ floor. Come here.” Jay sat back down on the chair he’d been in, and Zoey curled up on his lap.

“I’m not too big?” she asked hesitantly.

“No.”

“Promise?”

“Promise, Little Zee. It’s three in the fucking morning. Go to sleep.”

“Kay.” 

It was Nate that woke them up next, with a cough and then a sharp gasp. Zoey clutched at her side, too, and she grabbed his hand. “It’s okay,” she said, still half asleep. 

“What happened?” Jay asked, right behind his sister.

“Coughed,” Nate explained shortly, his face still twisted in pain. “Hurts so fucking bad.”

“You cracked two ribs,” Jay reminded him sympathetically. “I’d be surprised if it didn’t.”

Nate groaned and tipped his head up to the ceiling. He squinted at the sunlight streaming in through the window. 

Zoey let go of her side as the pain subsided, and a moment later, Jay could see Nate visibly relax.

“Jay, listen. I’m fucking – I’m so sorry about your truck.” 

Jay leaned forward and cupped Nate’s face in both his hands. “I don’t give a damn about the truck, okay? Not one. I didn’t think about it even one fucking time. Just you. I was going out of my mind scared for you, okay?” 

Nate nodded.

Jay kissed his cheek. “Don’t worry about the truck. We’ll figure it out.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Nate echoed tiredly. “Okay. Wait, did both of you sleep in here? In the chair?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jay admitted.

He looked at his siblings and gave them a small smile. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Zoey shrugged. “We love you. We weren’t going anywhere.”

“You guys are the best,” Nate told them sleepily.

"I know," Jay grinned. 


	20. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got a prompt on Tumblr and I did my best to fill it. For some reason, I really struggled with this one! I hope it's okay, and I'm really sorry it took so long :(
> 
> As requested, Nate is 19, which puts Zoey at 15.

Every breath was too loud in the silence that followed the smack. Nate’s eyes were dead, all the thought and emotion behind them concealed as well as if a wall had come down to block them from view.

Alvey took a step back, satisfied by the red mark that had already started to form on his son’s cheek. Zoey, on the other hand, was hidden behind the corner, busy trying to keep silent. She could feel her mouth open from the shock; Alvey had never dared raise a hand to his prodigy before.

Zoey hated the thought, but she was kind of used to her father hitting Jay. The violence against him had always been prominent, even when she was younger – Alvey never held back from hurting his older son. But intentionally hurting Nate, his favorite child, his golden boy… That was fucked up.

Nate took a small test step away from his father, making sure he wasn’t going to get hit again if he left.

But then – “Get out of my fucking sight,” Alvey spat, answering the question for him. “Fucking ungrateful idiot. Fucking _animal._ ” 

Nate gave a solemn nod and walked upstairs, his fists clenched so tightly by his sides that when Zoey peeked around the other corner, she could see his knuckles turning white. She pressed her back to the wall and exhaled as silently as she could. She hadn’t even realized she’d been holding her breath.

Alvey smashed a glass in the kitchen, causing her to jump, but she was glad to hear the front door slam shut a moment later. She let the tension in her shoulders go as Alvey’s engine turned over in the driveway. As the car peeled down the street, she emerged from her hiding spot and headed upstairs after her brother.

She knocked twice on his door and, at the silence, pushed it open. The lights were all off even though the sun had already set. That much was already disconcerting. 

“Hey,” she said. “Are you okay? I heard yelling.” She didn’t want him to know she knew exactly what happened; he’d get defensive of Alvey, and Zoey didn’t think she could take that right then without yelling at him herself.

“Fine,” he replied curtly, not looking up from his laptop.

“Are you sure?” she pressed. “It got pretty loud, and I-”

“Leave,” he commanded. When she took too long, he looked up at her with angry eyes. “Zebra, _go._ Get out.” 

She shut the door and retreated back downstairs. She swept up the broken glass with her hands, resulting in two cuts on her fingers, but she didn’t care. Once the glass was in the trash, she grabbed some Band-Aids out of the medicine cabinet and plopped down in front of the TV. She was sure Alvey had gone out drinking, which meant that he wouldn’t be home for at least two hours. She could afford to spend some time catching up on Criminal Minds before her dad got back.

Two episodes and an hour and a half passed, and Zoey trudged upstairs again to shower and get in bed. Nate’s room was silent, so she stayed quiet and left him alone in case he was sleeping.

She combed through her wet hair and wished for Jay, who would have plaited her hair in a beautiful braid so it wouldn’t tangle overnight, but he was working at a bar that night. She flipped her night light on and laid down. She sighed at herself, tossing and turning for forty minutes before she gave up and went to get a glass of water. On her way downstairs, though, she heard a sound that had her freezing in her tracks. 

Sniffles and soft sobs were coming from across the hall.

Nate was crying. 

Nate, her fearless, tough, rock of a big brother was in his bedroom in tears. It seemed nearly impossible. Jay was emotional as fuck, and there were days that it felt like Zoey cried at the drop of a hat, but not Nate. He kept it all in no matter what. 

Zoey crept up to his door, not sure what to do. Her hand was on the knob, but she was absolutely frozen. Should she say something? Should she pretend she hadn’t heard anything? What would Nate want? But before she could make a decision, the door swung open. 

Zoey took a rapid step back, her eyes wide as she looked up at Nate’s tearstained face. His eyes were pink and swollen, like he’d been crying for some time. He jumped when he saw her, even more shocked than she was. He was wearing an Under Armour tank top and a pair of running shoes, and he had his iPod in his hand. 

Several emotions flitted across his face; he looked surprised at first, like he’d seen a ghost. Then he looked nervous, and then his eyes screamed in embarrassment, and then he got angry. He shouldered past her, shoved his earbuds in, and was halfway down the stairs before she could even think to move.

She watched out of his window as he stepped out under the streetlamp and started jogging. She shut her eyes. Fuck.

Glass of water forgotten, Zoey headed back to her room, trying to figure out what to do. Nate was gone now, so calling Jay would only make things worse. He’d freak out and want to leave the restaurant, but the bills weren’t exactly going to pay themselves.

The littlest Kulina had an instinctual feeling that Nate would be back tonight; he didn’t go anywhere without his damn cell phone, and he hadn’t had it with him when he went for his run. Yeah, he’d be back at Dad’s. 

So what was Zoey to do? She tugged lightly on the ends of her hair and sat down on the edge of her bed. She could write him something, she supposed. What else was she supposed to do? If she tried to talk to him, he’d just yell at her again. This way, she could say what she wanted and he could read it when he was ready. 

 

 _Nate,_  

_I heard what Dad did to you. I didn’t see it, but I heard it. I hate him right now more than I ever have. I can’t fucking believe he would do that to you._  
_I guess I’m next.  
_ _I want you to know I’m here if you need anything. You’re the best brother ever. Dad sucks but I love you. I'm really, really sorry he did that._

_Zebra_

 

She folded up the note and stood in his doorway a moment to figure out what to do with it. She figured he couldn’t miss a piece of stark white paper on his dark bedspread, so she left it on the center of his bed. Simple enough.

Ten minutes passed, and then twenty. Zoey sighed and slid back into her bed. She planned to stare at the ceiling until Nate got back, but she was half asleep (okay, way more than half asleep) when her bedroom door creaked open. 

“Little Zebra?”  
  
Zoey brushed her hair out of her eyes and quickly sat up on her elbow. “Hey.”

“Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?” 

“No, no,” she lied, “it’s okay. I was waiting til you got home.” 

Nate nodded and held up the folded notebook paper. “Can we talk?” 

She nodded and flipped on her lamp. 

“You’re not next,” he said as he sat down. 

Her eyebrows drew together in confusion before she remembered what she’d written. “I-” She scoffed. “I didn’t mean that.” (Yes, she did.)

“Zoey,” Nate sighed. 

“Are _you_ okay?” she pressed. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Nate nodded. “I’m fine.”

Zoey looked at his dead eyes. “Are you sure?” she asked softly, tilting her head.

He shrugged and then nodded again. His voice came out as a whisper. “Yeah.” 

Zoey sighed quietly at the lie and looked away. 

“You know he’s not gonna hit you, right?” Nate confirmed. 

“Oh, don’t bother,” she snapped.

He started to protest when Zoey silenced him with a glare. 

“Please. Like you don’t remember that’s exactly what Jay used to say to you.” 

“To both of us,” Nate agreed. “But I fucked up tonight; it was my fault.” 

“No,” Zoey retorted angrily. 

“I shouldn’t have brought Jay up. It never goes well; Dad and I always fucking fight about him. I should have known, but I fucking did it anyway.” 

“Nate, it was _not_ you. Dad’s a psycho fucking control freak. What happened wasn’t your fault. At _all_.” 

Nate looked at the carpet. “I don’t know.”

“Well, I do. I heard the whole thing.”

He chanced a glance at her and found her staring fiercely at him in the lamplight. 

“He fucks up everything good. Everything. You were just trying to stand up for Jay. I heard you. You did the right thing, not letting him talk about Jay like that. He’s just… he’s fucking crazy.”

“Zoey-”

“No! If Jay got hit, you would have said the same thing to him. It was never his fault.”

It was Nate’s turn to look away. “Sometimes Jay should have known better than to open his goddamn mouth.” At Zoey’s shocked and enraged face, he quickly added, “I’m not saying he should have gotten hit. I’d never fucking say that, you know that. But there were some times when what Jay said wasn’t necessary. And I think I did that tonight.”

Zoey swallowed. “Well, then Dad would have hit _me_ , cause I was about to walk in the room to defend him.”

Nate’s eyes met Zoey’s, and they stared at each other in silence. Nate’s eyes welled up with tears again, and Zoey thought her chest was going to burst.

“Come here,” she said, and she tugged Nate into an embrace. It was so odd to be the little sister comforting her big brother, but she was more than sure it was what he needed. 

He rested his forehead on her shoulder and tried to breathe slowly. He must have showered before he woke her up, because he was in a light blue t-shirt that was soft under Zoey’s fingers, and he smelled like shampoo. She hugged him hard, but his hands were limp around her.

“I’ll never hit you,” she promised.

She thought he might laugh, but he didn’t. “I’ll never hit you either,” he whispered back. “I swear.” 


	21. Mother's Day 2001

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a happy one :/  
> Jay is 15, Nate is 9, and Zoey is 4

On Monday, Jay got a note home from Zoey’s preschool announcing that the kids were having a Mother's Day celebration in class that Friday. It invited all the moms to come have tea, get a present, and hear a special song that the kids had been learning.

Jay stared at the sheet of paper for a moment and sighed. He flipped it over and slid it across the kitchen counter, where it was forgotten about until that Wednesday. 

Jay had Zoey in the bath after dinner, and he was singing to her, as he so often did. 

_If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops  
_ _Oh, what a rain that would be_

Zoey joined in happily. 

_Standing outside with my mouth open wide!  
_ _A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaah!_

_If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops  
_ _Oh, what a rain that would be_

They sang the verse about the snowflakes, and Jay couldn’t remember the last one, so they just sang the first one again. Zoey clapped when it was over and asked if he could sing ‘the mommy song.’ 

“What mommy song?” he asked, thinking she meant a song that Mom used to sing to them. “Here Comes the Sun?” 

Zoey shook her head. “No, the mommy song! The one we’re singing this Friday when all the mommies come!” 

Oh, shit.

“Little Zee,” he began, but she was too excited to listen. 

“Here, I’ll sing it for you!” she exclaimed. She launched into it with no hesitation. “Oh, Mom! You hold me super tight, you read me books at night, you taught me how to ride a bike! When you hold me I feel better. You’re my super mom!” 

“Little Zee-” 

But she wasn’t done. She started dancing a little. “Oh, Mom! You help me tie my shoes, put kisses on my bruise, you help me find the clothes to choose! We always do fun things together. You’re my super mom!” 

“Zoey.”

She stopped singing. “What?”

“Do you wanna stay home with me on Friday? We can have a party. I’ll make pizza.”

“Friday? No! Mommy’s coming to school on Friday! I can’t miss that! I want to meet her!” 

Jay bit his lip and turned away so his baby sister wouldn’t see the heartbreak written across his face. “Here, let me rinse out your hair really quick. We’ll talk about this more in a minute.” 

“Why can’t we talk about it now? Aren’t you so excited to see Mommy? Maybe we can go live with her instead of staying in the ‘partment!”

Jay swallowed, steeling himself. “Tilt your head back,” he murmured, and she obeyed. Warm water from the faucet cascaded down her hair. Pretty soon, he was helping her stand up and wrapping her in a fluffy towel. “Alright, let’s go get your pjs on.” 

“No,” she whined. 

“Yes. Come on.” He gave her a little push out of the bathroom and toward the room she shared with Nate. While he set about getting her Elmo pajamas and some clean underwear, she dropped her towel and started bouncing around. 

“I can’t wait to see Mommy!” she crowed.

Jay bit his lip again. He sat down on the floor and held her tiny panties out for her to step into. She grabbed onto his shoulders and did, and then she pulled them up by herself. He tugged the pj top over her head, and she stepped into the shorts. 

Once she was all dressed, he picked her up and set her on the middle of her bed. He couldn’t help but notice she was humming ‘the mommy song.’ Reluctantly, he took a seat behind her and started combing out her curls. 

“Listen, Little Zee. Mommy… she’s not coming on Friday, babe.” 

“What?” Zoey asked. She whipped around and stared up at Jay with big, pouty eyes. “She won’t even come home from skiing to see the Mommy’s Day party?” 

Jay smoothed her hair back. “No… no, she can’t.” 

“How come?” Zoey demanded. Her tone was angry, but there were large pools of tears threatening to spill onto her cheeks. 

“She just can’t,” Jay whispered. 

“But why not?” she pressed. “She doesn’t love me?” 

Jay _did_ start to cry then. “She does, Little Zee, I promise.” His voice was broken, but he needed her to know. 

“Then why isn’t she coming?” she asked again. At the sight of Jay crying, she started to cry, too. 

Zoey climbed into his lap, and he held her tightly. All of this had been so fucking hard on him. He often forgot that it was hard on his brother and sister, too. 

They cried together for a moment, and then Zoey sniffed and sat up. “Nate says you’re our Mommy.” 

Jay chuckled through his tears. “Yeah, kind of. Sometimes.”

“Will you come to Mommy’s Day for me?” 

“Little Zee, I’m not a real mom.” 

Zoey’s bottom lip trembled. “I made Mommy a painting. And we get to help make the snack, and we’re s’posed to sing. But I don’t want to do it if I don’t get to have a mommy there.”

“What are we gonna do?” Jay asked sadly. He tucked one of her curls behind her ear. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

“It’s okay,” she replied automatically. 

“It’s not okay,” Jay told her. He broke down again, crying softly into his hand. “It’s not fair. Everybody needs a mom.” 

“Even you?” she asked. 

He nodded. “Even me.” 

“So if we all need her, when is she coming back from skiing?” 

Jay smiled as best he could and whispered, ”I don’t know.” 

There was a small sound by the doorway. Jay had enough experience to know exactly what had just happened. “Nate,” he called, but the bathroom door shut a few seconds later.

Jay sighed and turned back to his little sister. “I’ll sleep on it,” he told her. 

“I’ll sleep on it, too,” she said, even though she had no idea what that meant. 

“Okay. If you decide you want me to go to school with you on Friday, I will. And if you decide you want to stay home with me, we can do that. Whatever you want.” 

Zoey nodded.

“Think about it,” he told her. 

God, she was only four. How was she supposed to wrap her head around this? 

He tucked her into bed and laid down with her, and she snuggled into him as he started the magical tale of Cinderella. As usual, he barely spoke for two minutes before she was sound asleep. 

Once he was sure she wouldn’t wake up, he headed toward the bathroom to check on his little brother. He could hear the shower running, but Nate never took long. Jay sat down outside the door to wait. 

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Nate walked out of the bathroom.

“Hey,” Jay said, getting to his feet.

Nate nodded in acknowledgement. 

“You heard all that, huh?”

Shrug. 

“Sorry, man. I know it’s tough.” 

Single nod. 

“Look, can I – I mean… if you want to talk about anything… I’m always here. You know that, right?” 

Nod.

“Okay. Uh, she’s asleep, so just be quiet when you go in, alright?”

Another nod.

“I love you,” Jay murmured. 

“You, too,” Nate softly replied. He disappeared into his room. 

Jay sighed and sat down on the couch. He ran a hand over his face and tried half-heartedly to prevent more tears from leaking out.

Why hadn’t he tried harder to stop Mom from leaving in the first place? He wished he could have been a better kid. He should have helped out more. He should have used his ears more and kept his fucking mouth shut. Then Dad wouldn’t have been so angry, and maybe Mom wouldn’t have left them. Left _him_. 

She left him. He hadn't been enough to make her stay.

But he still missed her. He missed the way she’d smile at him when he got off the bus. He missed the way she tucked him under her arm while they watched movies together. He thought she looked beautiful every day. He should have told her. He wished he had.

He didn’t realize he was crying audibly until Nate and Zoey’s door opened and Nate slipped through the crack.

“Sorry,” Jay quickly said, sitting up a little and wiping at his cheeks. “I’m gonna shut up. I’ll…” 

But then Nate was coming right toward him and sitting down next to him and pulling Jay into his side.

Jay accepted the hug and wrapped his arms around Nate, too. “I’m sorry, Nate,” Jay sobbed. “I’m so sorry she’s gone. I don’t know what happened.” 

“I know,” Nate whispered. He leaned up and kissed Jay on the cheek. Jay could feel Nate’s heart beating as quickly as a baby rabbit’s.

Jay needed to get his shit together. His nine year old little brother was comforting him when it should have been the other way around.

Eventually, Jay calmed down, and Nate did, too. They watched some TV, but Jay was tired from all the crying and wanted to go to sleep after barely thirty minutes.

“You wanna come get in bed with me?” Jay asked.

Nate nodded. 

They slept side by side until Jay’s alarm went off in the morning. 

Over breakfast, no one mentioned anything about the night before. Jay was thankful for that. But when it was time for Jay to pick Zoey up from the preschool, she came out to the parking lot in tears. Jay was immediately out of the car, scooping her up onto his hip for a strong hug. 

“She’s been upset on and off all day,” one of the teachers told Jay. “She won’t say what’s wrong. We called her father several times, but he didn’t answer.”

Jay buckled Zoey into her car seat and turned off the radio. The drive home was quiet, other than a few sniffles coming from the backseat. He turned around at a stoplight to look at her and was glad to see that she looked a little less distraught.

That night during her bath, Jay decided he had to bring it up. “So, Little Zee,” he started, “have you thought about tomorrow?” 

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“And I wanna stay home with you.” 

Jay nodded. “Okay. I wanna stay home with you, too.”


End file.
